"I didn't Know What I Needed"

Good stuff from Boundless:


Orignal post (Suzanne's side)
Original post #2 (Kevin's side)

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4: I Didn't Know What I Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/20/2011 at 7:30 AM

This may be more of a girl thing, but have you ever said a sentence that begins: "I need someone who …"? Since high school I had an unwritten list like this.

"I need someone who makes me laugh."

"I need someone who I can have deep conversations with."

"I need someone who's a strong leader."

I suppose I was right about some of them. But I was wrong about others. One that you would hear me say again and again was, "I need someone who will draw me out and get me to talk about what I'm thinking."

I was absolutely convinced of this one. Often when I would meet a guy it would take me several interactions with him before I would really open up and be myself. Some guys who didn't really attempt to draw me out would never get a glimpse of who I was. If they did get to know me, they would often say that their first impression about me was false (and usually negative). So it made sense that my future mate would need to possess the ability to get me to open up. I told people often that this was the kind of guy I needed.

Well, you may have already guessed where this is going, but Kevin is not that kind of person. Not at all. He does make me laugh. I can have deep conversations with him. He is a strong leader. But he does not draw me out. (I touched on this in my post about conversational narcissism.)

Turns out I didn't need that … or at least God didn't think so. But there's something odd that has happened as a result of being married to a person who does not draw me out. I have learned to not keep my opinions and feelings under lock and key, waiting for the other person to fish for them. I've learned that sometimes I need to volunteer the information. I've discovered that perhaps my motive in desiring that the other person draw me out was pride--I believed I was important enough that someone should be interested in what I thought. Interested enough to coax it out of me.

My husband does work on asking me questions, because he knows it makes me feel cared for. But he is not the "spotlight-on-Suzanne" spouse that I once imagined. And that's a good thing. I didn't know what I needed.

And then there are things about him that I needed desperately but had no idea about. For example, he is never critical of my mistakes. Because I am very critical of my own mistakes, this is an affirming quality that helps me be my best. I am so thankful that my wise heavenly Father knew I needed this and gave it to me through Kevin.

If you are single and find yourself frequently saying, "I need someone who …", hold loosely to those things. You may need them, but you may not. Only God knows what you really need. And sometimes not getting what you think you need helps you grow into a better person. I love the verse that says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). The One who knows what we need has the resources to provide it. And He does so generously.

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4.5: Kevin Didn't Know What He Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/29/2011 at 3:34 PM

In my last post "I Didn't Know What I Needed," someone asked if I could get my husband, Kevin, to weigh in. I'm guessing the person who asked was female. Because when I asked Kevin if there was anything he thought he needed that I didn't fulfill, he seemed baffled by the question. "What do you mean?"

So I tried to explain it, and finally he thought of something. Kevin knew as a teen that he wanted to be a pastor, so this "need" is a bit specific to ministry life:

I thought I needed someone who was super-supportive. Suzanne is super-supportive, but not in the way I expected. To me "super-supportive" meant a stay-at-home wife who would take care of the kids, host dinner parties, show up at meetings. As I grew up spending time with different pastors, that's what I saw. To be effective, I thought I had to have a wife whose job was to be my right-hand man.

I thought I needed someone who was immersed in my calling. What I didn't realize was that my wife could be immersed in her calling and still supportive of mine. Growing up in a Christian home, you're told a wife should be submissive and she needs to be supportive. That's why career women can be scary, because they have their own agenda and own thing going on.

But we use Suzanne's talents and abilities in what I do, and we use my talents and abilities in what she does. It makes us more dynamic as a couple because we utilize each other's skills. We're like a dynamic duo — like Batman and Robin rather than Batman with Alfred back at home (I think guys will get that analogy).

When I asked him if there was anything that he didn't know he needed that I brought to the table, he talked about encouragement:

Encourager was never on my top 10 list. I'm someone who when I get into a project I'll go full force, but sometimes I need someone to help me get started. I need someone to say "You can do it," to get going. Suzanne has that quality.

And I wouldn't have said I needed someone who was willing to point things out — the good the bad and the ugly. That's something most people say they appreciate in their spouse after marriage, but it's not something they think about needing prior to marriage. But it really helps you grow as a person.

So there you have it. A guy's perspective. It seems in Kevin's case, he didn't ever think in terms of, "I need someone who ... " The things he believed he needed arose more in the form of expectations (maybe that he didn't even know existed) of what his future wife would be like. Because his mom is a gifted homemaker, he pictured being married to that kind of woman. Because many pastors' wives function in behind-the-scenes support roles, he imagined his wife would probably be this way. Clearly, we are thankful that God had something else in mind. As Kevin said, we are a dynamic couple, and it's exciting to see the things the Lord has planned for us to do together.

So guys ... any thoughts on expectations? The Batman and Robin analogy? Career women being scary because they have their own thing going? The floor is yours. (Comments from women welcome, also.)

What have you been telling the Lord you think need in a future spouse? What would you say if He instead gave you what He knows you need?