Independent Career Woman AND/OR Sweet Romantic Girly-Girl: My thoughts on the endless controversy

When this post originally came out on ThoughtCatalog last month, I gave it a quick read, then laughed and moved on. In subsequent weeks I've had several discussions with co-workers in a similar vein and decided to finally publicly share my thoughts on the matter. This isn't the first time I've struggled with the either/or vs. both/and viewpoint.

Feel free to comment below and share your own thoughts. If you're a girl, do you agree with these 16 thoughts? If you're a guy, do you think us girls are off-base/too worried about it and would you date a girl that viewed herself this way?

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16 Struggles Of Being Both An Independent Woman And A Hopeless Romantic

By: Kim Quindlen

1. A lot of people think the two things are mutually exclusive. You either have to be a doe-eyed romantic stumbling around desperately looking for love, or you have to be a strong, aggressive, ambitious career woman who doesn’t need a man. A lot of people try to tell you, through their actions or their words, that you’re not allowed to be both.

I've never been particularly boy-crazy (ahem!), but even while talking to my closest girl friends I do find it difficult to quickly switch conversation topics from work & careers to talking about their upcoming weddings, husbands, what we're looking for in guys, and asking for advice. 

2. There aren’t a ton of women similar to you represented on the big screen. Sure, there are some. But not enough. Most of the women in the film are portrayed as one-dimensional love interests for men, or cold-hearted, career robots that learn to change and “soften up” when they fall in love. A lot of films make us feel like we can’t have both.

Um... The Devil wears Prada, No Reservations, Legally Blonde, The Wedding Planner, Erin Brockovich, You've Got Mail, and even to some extent Mary Poppins! I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be mildly annoyed at Hollywood's portrayal of career-minded women... but I'm such a sucker for a good romantic comedy!

3. If you manage to have both a stable career and a healthy relationship, people often like to ask you how you do it, as though one of the two things must be suffering because there’s no way to possibly have both.

I'm still working on this one! The semester-from-hell in Spring 2012 where us PT students had 4 full-length semester PT specific classes to manage on top of joining the medical students for their 10-week block neuroscience class (where they only had neuroscience and an ethics class) taught me so much about how I handle stress and relationships. I'd like to think I've grown so much since then... we shall see.

4. You feel bad for enjoying a guilty pleasure novel or TV show or movie every once in a while. If it’s a story primarily about love and not a self-improvement book like Lean In, you feel like you are wasting your time and should be doing something more productive. Sometimes you just want to relax and enjoy silly love stories, but you often have to deal with the annoying guilt you make yourself feel afterwards.

In a recent post on my Facebook timeline about Nicholas Sparks' reported divorce, I wondered if I should even publicly admit to reading all (and owning most) of his books? (May I recommend The Rescue as my favorite) But then again, it's MY Facebook profile and hopefully you won't judge me! To be fair, my to-read list has everything from The World is Flat, to Love My Rifle More Than You, to Margin, to Ally Condie's new YA dystopian book Atlantia.

5. The bar scene can be exhausting. You want to meet a sweet, interesting, and intelligent person – and you want to be yourself – but sometimes you feel pressure to dumb the conversation down just so you’re not scaring them away. You know you shouldn’t hold yourself back, but sometimes you can’t help yourself.

THIS was the conversation I had with one of the Physical Therapy Assistants at work last week. Apparently, in order to not scare off an interested guy, I need to "not act so smart." That seems so backwards to me, and it's honestly hard to do after a full day of working with patients and using every bit of SWAGing (Scientific Wild-Ass Guessing) I possess!

6. You feel stuck in a Catch-22 situation. If you get dolled up and wear a pretty dress and enjoy feeling bright and vibrant, you’re told no one will take you seriously and that guys will just try and sleep with you. But if you try to tone down your appearance and focus more on the conversations you’re having, it feels like guys hardly give you a second look. You’re made to feel like you’re too conservative or too boring or too serious or too something that’s not the right thing.

This is the dilemma I face every Sunday morning staring into my closest trying to pick something to wear to church. And heaven forbid I wear a skirt and cute boots to work!

7. You want to be in love, but you don’t want to have to dumb yourself down to get there. You don’t want to have to worry about your girlfriend or boyfriend or fiancé or husband feeling inadequate if you have a lot of success in your life. You don’t want to feel guilty for that, and you absolutely shouldn't, but sometimes you do.

I often wonder if my doctorate-level education and potential for a very well-paying job is intimidating to other 20-something guys. (Please chime in, ya'll!) But then I remember that I want to give it all up and work in a place where I could be delivering babies because I have more women's health education than most, and in a place where I'll be relying on others for financial support. This current stage of my life does have an expiration date.

8. Some people make you feel like if you put love first, that you’re anti-feminist or you’re too dependent on your man or you don’t care about your career. And it works the other way too. If you put your career in front of your love life, you’re a cold-hearted ice queen who’s going to end up alone. It often feels like guys are respected and admired if they have both a great work life and love life, but if a woman has the same thing, people assume she must be half-assing one of the things because it’s impossible for her to have both.

This is going to be a fun one to navigate...

9. If you want a career and a big family, people give you looks as if you’re crazy. They smirk or smile at you sympathetically, as if to say, that’s cute, sweetheart. Eventually you’ll choose one or the other, though. According to a lot of people, you’re not allowed to have both. You can work for a little while, and after a few years, when things are financially stable, you really should settle down and focus solely on your family.

At some point, I do want to "give up my career" for family. That's been the plan all along, and the reason why I chose a career where I can work part time, weekends, or just on-call. I look forward to discussing this with my guy and seeing what ends up happening if/when I get to be a mother.

10. People make you feel weird or selfish or bossy or demanding for having high standards. Standards like expecting a guy to make an effort to get to know you. Standards like expecting your companion to treat you like your career and your success are just as important and impressive as his. Standards like wanting to have a stable and independent life outside of your relationship.

I am capable of making my own decisions. To the guys who think I'm dragon-guarded (see this post for context only--I'm not saying I agree/disagree with his opinion) and don't want to do my own dirty work, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me and allow me a chance to explain.  I do expect the guy to work for it--nothing valuable "just happens." I also want someone to value all the work I've put in to become who I am and get where I am now.

11. You don’t want to be referred to as the Head Bitch in Charge or the Ditzy Love-Obsessed Hopeful or the Needy Girlfriend. You’re tired of being stereotyped. It’s possible to be a successful, powerful woman who has standards in love. You’re capable of being strong and soft at the same time. And you’re tired of people trying to squeeze you into unflattering and unfair one-dimensional boxes.

At one time or another I've been each of those 3 stereotypes... yikes! But I pride myself in being able to switch quickly from being supportive and your biggest cheerleader to being sensitive and sweet to being competitive and occasionally argumentative. I've been told I have more sides than a perfectly-cut diamond!

12. You run the show, but you still want hearts and flowers. And you don’t think you should have to explain yourself. Just because you work hard and have a well-rounded life and are independent doesn’t mean you should have to apologize for wanting to experience romance with your companion. And yet if you give off the vibe of being a talented, successful woman, guys often make the mistake of thinking you want nothing to do with date nights and sweet surprises and cute text messages.

I do not want to have to tell a guy that I need romance. This girl gets a kick out of sweet stuff like that! (And about 30 minutes later you know I'm gonna call up or text my girl friends to go "gaga" over it!)

13. You sometimes feel like you have to keep these two different parts of yourself separate. At work and in your independent life you have to be one way, and in your romantic life you can be another way. But you feel the need to keep your love life quiet at work for fear of not being taken seriously, and you sometimes feel like there’s no room to talk about your work life in your relationship without boring or intimidating your partner.

Sometimes the best part of my day is clocking out and sliding into my car for the drive home with the windows down and a mixCD or Spotify playlist of "Hopeless Romantic" songs. But all too often I bring my work home and I need to vent about a particularly frustrating event or tell someone how excited I was about the tiniest improvement my post-stroke patient demonstrated today! If you spend any time with me, get used to learning all the physical therapy lingo--I talk about work a lot. But maybe that's more because I love what I do and not necessarily because I'm a workaholic.

14. You want your partner to treat you both as a strong, impressive, intelligent woman, but you also want them to be gentle and loving and complimentary and smitten with you. But a lot of the times, they only seem capable of treating you one way or the other.

I have a lot of people who only want to get to know me for free advice (if I have to answer another "how do I get rid of shin splints" question, I might just scream! Just go read this from MoveForwardPT.) I need a mix of "damn, you really know your stuff!" and sweet, sensitive compliments.

15. You’re afraid of looking weak or vulnerable. But at the same time, the point of having a relationship is having someone you can be weak and vulnerable with. You’ve spent your whole life relying on yourself and working hard to get where you are. You’ve always depended on yourself, and even though you know you want to share your life with someone else, the idea of giving someone else the chance to hurt you and affect you so deeply is extremely scary.

I've gotten to where I am now because of my incredible family and friends, my parents' undying love and support, a very patient and wonderful God, and a fabulous mix of professors, study partners, and mentors. You'll never hear me laud my own accomplishments without a lengthy "acknowledgements" section. But be gentle with me and allow me to let you in at my own pace. Trust me, it's gonna be worth it.

16. When either one of these sides of you is going through something tough, you turn to chocolate. And, for some reason, chocolate is still not fat free, nor is it zero calories. And that is probably the biggest struggle of all. 

*gasp* someone must have told this article's author about my chocolate drawer... um, make that chocolate drawers!

Move...

"Move." I couldn't agree more. There's a lot to be said for trying new things, meeting new people (maybe making new friends), eating new foods, listening to/learning new languages, learning new skills, picking up new hobbies, and seeing new sights. 

Until I went to college, I'd never been around a group of diverse people who had strong--and usually well-founded--opinions of their own, who were aspiring to dreams and passions of their own, and yet looked at the world so differently than I did. There, I about learned the wonderful world of Spore, WoW, Guitar Hero, and Halo mixed in with getting calculus homework help and attending a class on entrepreneurship & creative design process along with 60+ of my fellow dorm residents. Some of my favorite memories are of the lively 2am discussions in the hallway about the ethics of genetic research, global climate change, how ESPN's player stats are run through the wrong statistical model, and why the students alternate rows to "saw 'em off" during the A&M fight song in order to maintain the structural integrity of the student section of Kyle Field. 

When I got to graduate school, my classmates were more streamlined and I had less time to spend with outside friends. Although the 35 of us were on a similar path, we were still quite diverse with unique reasons for pursuing physical therapy and different dream jobs post-graduation. I found a group of people who challenged me to study hard, strengthen my clinical reasoning, maintain my patient empathy, and work as a team more than an individual. Several classes were integrated with students from the other allied health programs as well as with the 1st year medical students; in those class discussions we worked through case scenarios from each of our disciplines' perspectives and formed a cohesive multidisciplinary hypothetical treatment plan.

Currently, I work and live in an culture that values sameness, tradition, tried-and-true methods, and personal relationships. I often find myself caught between these two worlds... and it's not easy. This restless girl with the travel bug occasionally feels trapped. This passionate forward thinker occasionally butts heads with "how we've always done it." Yet I continue to move as often and as far as I can. I try to bring others with me and expand their horizons. And I tell them my stories to inspire them to step into another's shoes or open their heart to new possibilities. 

If we sat down and talked, I'd tell you about the time I made friends with a young girl in Germany who spoke less than 20 English words. I'd tell you about the time I played soccer in East Malaysia with a ball made of plastic bags and twine. I'd tell you about the 4 hour church service in West Africa where the only word I could sing along was "Hallelujah amen!"  I'd tell you about the kind fellow passenger who helped me up when I fell on a hike in Antarctica. And I'd tell you about the autobiographical books I'm reading now that make my heart ache, laugh, and cry alternately with each page.

How are you going to "move" today?

Contemplations on Chocolate: Flourless Chocolate Cake Recipe

First off, chocolate is a must. Life would be incomplete without chocolate. I'm convinced that the world revolves around chocolate. I mean, where would we be without chocolate!

My mom has an apron--well-used and quite faded--that starts off with "Oh, how I love thee, chocolate! Let me count the ways: broiled, steamed, flambaéed, diced, braised..." It's probably the first apron I grab when I start to cook; I just love it!

Just this week I had some friends over for a New Year's Eve party and one friend showed up with 3 bars of Ghirardelli dark chocolate. I have to say that was a pretty wonderful hostess gift!

Now, on to the real reason for this post. This flourless chocolate cake will rock your world. It's from one of my favorite blogs, A Beautiful Mess. Go head over there and subscribe, like, follow, and pin their amazing projects, how-tos, gift ideas, recipes, and home make-overs. Or just hang out and you'll see some of their projects pop up on here.

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Flourless Chocolate (Coconut) Cake

Adapted from Martha Stewart's Cakes via A Beautiful Mess

9 ounces dark chocolate (I used 3 of our Toasted Coconut bars)
6 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
6 tablespoons butter

In a double boiler, or in the microwave, melt together the chocolate and butter. Allow to cool for a few minutes. In the meantime, separate the egg whites from the yolks. Add a small amount of the warm chocolate to the bowl with the yolks and stir to combine (this will temper the yolks). Then stir the yolks into the chocolate mixture.

Beat the egg whites until they become foamy. While the mixture is running, slowly add in the sugar. Beat until soft peaks form. Gently fold the egg whites into the chocolate mixture.

Generously butter the bottom and inside edges of a 10" springform pan—or, as I like to call it, a cheesecake pan. :) Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake at 275°F for 45 minutes.

The cake should pull away from pan towards the end of baking. Allow to fully cool before you try to cut into the cake. Serve with a little more toasted coconut, fresh whipped cream, or vanilla ice cream.

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I made this cake just this afternoon and enjoyed it with a tall glass of cold milk. Delightfully moist, not-to-sweet, and not as dense as other flourless cakes.

Make this cake. Like now.

P.S. If you're looking for a chilled flourless cake (well it's more of a mousse) that would be perfect for Valentine's Day, try out this Flourless Red Wine Chocolate Cake.

I'm back!

It's been almost three and half years since I last posted on here. 

At the time, I was trying to keep my head above water in physical therapy school and was trying to figure out the whole living-on-my-own-in-a-big-city thing. During the unintendly long hiatus, I've thought about blogging again. Instead, Facebook became my creative outlet and way of keeping people updated with my life, as well as a place to post inspiring quotes, funny pictures/memes/videos, and a platform to take a "stand" for various current events (the efficacy of this approach is rather widely debated, and I've decided social media is usually a horrible place to talk about things of substance). 

But here it is, 2015, and it's time to resurrect this blog. It's therapeutic more than anything, since I don't usually write explicitly for my readers.

Now that I've made enough excuses for my absence, here's a video you really MUST watch! It was originally posted prior to New Year's last year, but to the best of my knowledge it fell into internet oblivion. I came across this on Facebook a few days ago and can't get some of the lines out of my head. I have no idea who the speaker is, nor does it really matter. Give it a watch (or read the transcription below).

Now doesn't that get you excited for 2015? I'm working every day on my dreams, making them one step closer to reality, striving to become phenomenal, and challenging the enemy within so as withstand all the enemies without. What about you?

Video transcription:

There will never be a time in your life where it's the right time to do a great thing. If you're waiting for that perfect moment, that perfect timing, it's not going to happen. You know what you have to do? You have to create the perfect time, and the perfect opportunity, and the perfect situation. 

A lot of people become comfortable. They stop growing, they stop wanting anything, they become satisfied. People getting ready to go to jobs that they don't like. Jobs that are making them sick. You see, when you're not pursuing your goal, you are literally committing spiritual suicide. When you have some goal out here that you are stretching for, reaching for, that takes you out of your comfort zone, you'll find out some talents and abilities you have that you didn't know you had. When the messenger of misery visits you, what are you going to do? What will keep you in the game? 

There are things that you think you will never need to know, that you may only need to know one time in your life, but that could save your life because you had that knowledge. 

Unless you attempt to do something beyond that which you have already mastered, you will never grow. What is it that you looked at at some point in time and you decided that you couldn't do it? That you talk yourself out of it? You waiting on your next door neighbor to make it happen for you may not happen. If you're waiting on your mother or your father, they may be so ancient in their thinking that they don't understand this opportunity that you have. And if you waiting on them, it may never get done. 

You don't beg average people to be phenomenal, you don't beg good people to be phenomenal, you just are phenomenal, and you will attract phenomenal! 

What reason can you remember that you can call on, that you can reach on that can make you get back up? Find that reason. If you're not where you are, if you're not where you want to be, if you don't have what you want to have, if you're not where you think you should be at this particular point, it has nothing to do with the system, but it has everything to do with the fact that you're not making the sacrifice. 

I want you to make that dream become a reality, because if you don't you will be working for somebody else to make their dreams become a reality. 

[There may come a time that] everybody's against you or don't believe in you no more, and let me tell you something, that's a lonely feeling. It's a lonely feeling. Particularly people that you're doing it for. 

Most people take their greatness, take their ideas to the graveyard with them. 

Listen to me, if it was easy everybody would do it.There are people right now who are working who don't want to work. There are people who hate their jobs, but they keep getting up to do it. 

The wealthiest place on the planet is the graveyard. Because in the graveyard we will find inventions that we were never ever exposed to. Ideas, dreams that never became reality. Hopes and aspirations that were never acted upon. The question is, what are you going to do with your time? What drives you? 

Greatness is a lot of small things done well. Day after day. Workout after workout. Obedience after obedience. Day after day. 

When things don't work out for you, when things happen that you could not anticipate, what are the reasons that you can think of that can keep you strong? You will never ever be successful until you turn your pain into greatness, until you allow your pain to push you from where you are to push you to where you need to be. Stop running from your pain and embrace your pain! Your pain is going to be a part of your pride! A part of your product! I challenge you to push yourself. 

See, it's easy to be on the bottom. It doesn't take any effort to be a loser. It doesn't take any motivation, any drive, in order to stay down there on a low level. But it calls on everything in you, you have to harness your will to say, "I'm going to challenge myself." I'm mean that what you did last week doesn't count today. Today is the only important day. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. And how you use those is critical. You got 86,400 today. And what you do today is going seep into who you are. No one will ever talk about what you did last week. 

See, the biggest enemy you have to deal with is yourself. There's an old African proverb that says, "If there's no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm." 

You have this opportunity of a lifetime. It means absolutely nothing if you don't take advantage of it in the lifetime of this opportunity. I got a saying that when life knocks you down, try and land on your back because if you can look up, you can get up. If you want a thing bad enough, to go out and fight for it, to work day and night for it. To give up your time, your peace, and your sleep for it, if all that you scheme and dream is about it, and life seems useless and worthless without it. 

See it's time now, if you want to make this your decade, you've got to start saying "Yes" to your life. You got to start saying "Yes" to your dreams. "Yes" to your unfolding future. "Yes" to your potential. As opposed to saying "No." 

When you die, leave no dream left behind guys, leave no opportunity behind. When you leave this earth, accomplish every single thing you can accomplish. Listen to me, you gonna be here one day, but you'll never get here if you give up! If you give in, if you quit. And finally guys, you gotta want to succeed as bad as you as you wanna breathe!