Independent Career Woman AND/OR Sweet Romantic Girly-Girl: My thoughts on the endless controversy

When this post originally came out on ThoughtCatalog last month, I gave it a quick read, then laughed and moved on. In subsequent weeks I've had several discussions with co-workers in a similar vein and decided to finally publicly share my thoughts on the matter. This isn't the first time I've struggled with the either/or vs. both/and viewpoint.

Feel free to comment below and share your own thoughts. If you're a girl, do you agree with these 16 thoughts? If you're a guy, do you think us girls are off-base/too worried about it and would you date a girl that viewed herself this way?

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16 Struggles Of Being Both An Independent Woman And A Hopeless Romantic

By: Kim Quindlen

1. A lot of people think the two things are mutually exclusive. You either have to be a doe-eyed romantic stumbling around desperately looking for love, or you have to be a strong, aggressive, ambitious career woman who doesn’t need a man. A lot of people try to tell you, through their actions or their words, that you’re not allowed to be both.

I've never been particularly boy-crazy (ahem!), but even while talking to my closest girl friends I do find it difficult to quickly switch conversation topics from work & careers to talking about their upcoming weddings, husbands, what we're looking for in guys, and asking for advice. 

2. There aren’t a ton of women similar to you represented on the big screen. Sure, there are some. But not enough. Most of the women in the film are portrayed as one-dimensional love interests for men, or cold-hearted, career robots that learn to change and “soften up” when they fall in love. A lot of films make us feel like we can’t have both.

Um... The Devil wears Prada, No Reservations, Legally Blonde, The Wedding Planner, Erin Brockovich, You've Got Mail, and even to some extent Mary Poppins! I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be mildly annoyed at Hollywood's portrayal of career-minded women... but I'm such a sucker for a good romantic comedy!

3. If you manage to have both a stable career and a healthy relationship, people often like to ask you how you do it, as though one of the two things must be suffering because there’s no way to possibly have both.

I'm still working on this one! The semester-from-hell in Spring 2012 where us PT students had 4 full-length semester PT specific classes to manage on top of joining the medical students for their 10-week block neuroscience class (where they only had neuroscience and an ethics class) taught me so much about how I handle stress and relationships. I'd like to think I've grown so much since then... we shall see.

4. You feel bad for enjoying a guilty pleasure novel or TV show or movie every once in a while. If it’s a story primarily about love and not a self-improvement book like Lean In, you feel like you are wasting your time and should be doing something more productive. Sometimes you just want to relax and enjoy silly love stories, but you often have to deal with the annoying guilt you make yourself feel afterwards.

In a recent post on my Facebook timeline about Nicholas Sparks' reported divorce, I wondered if I should even publicly admit to reading all (and owning most) of his books? (May I recommend The Rescue as my favorite) But then again, it's MY Facebook profile and hopefully you won't judge me! To be fair, my to-read list has everything from The World is Flat, to Love My Rifle More Than You, to Margin, to Ally Condie's new YA dystopian book Atlantia.

5. The bar scene can be exhausting. You want to meet a sweet, interesting, and intelligent person – and you want to be yourself – but sometimes you feel pressure to dumb the conversation down just so you’re not scaring them away. You know you shouldn’t hold yourself back, but sometimes you can’t help yourself.

THIS was the conversation I had with one of the Physical Therapy Assistants at work last week. Apparently, in order to not scare off an interested guy, I need to "not act so smart." That seems so backwards to me, and it's honestly hard to do after a full day of working with patients and using every bit of SWAGing (Scientific Wild-Ass Guessing) I possess!

6. You feel stuck in a Catch-22 situation. If you get dolled up and wear a pretty dress and enjoy feeling bright and vibrant, you’re told no one will take you seriously and that guys will just try and sleep with you. But if you try to tone down your appearance and focus more on the conversations you’re having, it feels like guys hardly give you a second look. You’re made to feel like you’re too conservative or too boring or too serious or too something that’s not the right thing.

This is the dilemma I face every Sunday morning staring into my closest trying to pick something to wear to church. And heaven forbid I wear a skirt and cute boots to work!

7. You want to be in love, but you don’t want to have to dumb yourself down to get there. You don’t want to have to worry about your girlfriend or boyfriend or fiancé or husband feeling inadequate if you have a lot of success in your life. You don’t want to feel guilty for that, and you absolutely shouldn't, but sometimes you do.

I often wonder if my doctorate-level education and potential for a very well-paying job is intimidating to other 20-something guys. (Please chime in, ya'll!) But then I remember that I want to give it all up and work in a place where I could be delivering babies because I have more women's health education than most, and in a place where I'll be relying on others for financial support. This current stage of my life does have an expiration date.

8. Some people make you feel like if you put love first, that you’re anti-feminist or you’re too dependent on your man or you don’t care about your career. And it works the other way too. If you put your career in front of your love life, you’re a cold-hearted ice queen who’s going to end up alone. It often feels like guys are respected and admired if they have both a great work life and love life, but if a woman has the same thing, people assume she must be half-assing one of the things because it’s impossible for her to have both.

This is going to be a fun one to navigate...

9. If you want a career and a big family, people give you looks as if you’re crazy. They smirk or smile at you sympathetically, as if to say, that’s cute, sweetheart. Eventually you’ll choose one or the other, though. According to a lot of people, you’re not allowed to have both. You can work for a little while, and after a few years, when things are financially stable, you really should settle down and focus solely on your family.

At some point, I do want to "give up my career" for family. That's been the plan all along, and the reason why I chose a career where I can work part time, weekends, or just on-call. I look forward to discussing this with my guy and seeing what ends up happening if/when I get to be a mother.

10. People make you feel weird or selfish or bossy or demanding for having high standards. Standards like expecting a guy to make an effort to get to know you. Standards like expecting your companion to treat you like your career and your success are just as important and impressive as his. Standards like wanting to have a stable and independent life outside of your relationship.

I am capable of making my own decisions. To the guys who think I'm dragon-guarded (see this post for context only--I'm not saying I agree/disagree with his opinion) and don't want to do my own dirty work, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me and allow me a chance to explain.  I do expect the guy to work for it--nothing valuable "just happens." I also want someone to value all the work I've put in to become who I am and get where I am now.

11. You don’t want to be referred to as the Head Bitch in Charge or the Ditzy Love-Obsessed Hopeful or the Needy Girlfriend. You’re tired of being stereotyped. It’s possible to be a successful, powerful woman who has standards in love. You’re capable of being strong and soft at the same time. And you’re tired of people trying to squeeze you into unflattering and unfair one-dimensional boxes.

At one time or another I've been each of those 3 stereotypes... yikes! But I pride myself in being able to switch quickly from being supportive and your biggest cheerleader to being sensitive and sweet to being competitive and occasionally argumentative. I've been told I have more sides than a perfectly-cut diamond!

12. You run the show, but you still want hearts and flowers. And you don’t think you should have to explain yourself. Just because you work hard and have a well-rounded life and are independent doesn’t mean you should have to apologize for wanting to experience romance with your companion. And yet if you give off the vibe of being a talented, successful woman, guys often make the mistake of thinking you want nothing to do with date nights and sweet surprises and cute text messages.

I do not want to have to tell a guy that I need romance. This girl gets a kick out of sweet stuff like that! (And about 30 minutes later you know I'm gonna call up or text my girl friends to go "gaga" over it!)

13. You sometimes feel like you have to keep these two different parts of yourself separate. At work and in your independent life you have to be one way, and in your romantic life you can be another way. But you feel the need to keep your love life quiet at work for fear of not being taken seriously, and you sometimes feel like there’s no room to talk about your work life in your relationship without boring or intimidating your partner.

Sometimes the best part of my day is clocking out and sliding into my car for the drive home with the windows down and a mixCD or Spotify playlist of "Hopeless Romantic" songs. But all too often I bring my work home and I need to vent about a particularly frustrating event or tell someone how excited I was about the tiniest improvement my post-stroke patient demonstrated today! If you spend any time with me, get used to learning all the physical therapy lingo--I talk about work a lot. But maybe that's more because I love what I do and not necessarily because I'm a workaholic.

14. You want your partner to treat you both as a strong, impressive, intelligent woman, but you also want them to be gentle and loving and complimentary and smitten with you. But a lot of the times, they only seem capable of treating you one way or the other.

I have a lot of people who only want to get to know me for free advice (if I have to answer another "how do I get rid of shin splints" question, I might just scream! Just go read this from MoveForwardPT.) I need a mix of "damn, you really know your stuff!" and sweet, sensitive compliments.

15. You’re afraid of looking weak or vulnerable. But at the same time, the point of having a relationship is having someone you can be weak and vulnerable with. You’ve spent your whole life relying on yourself and working hard to get where you are. You’ve always depended on yourself, and even though you know you want to share your life with someone else, the idea of giving someone else the chance to hurt you and affect you so deeply is extremely scary.

I've gotten to where I am now because of my incredible family and friends, my parents' undying love and support, a very patient and wonderful God, and a fabulous mix of professors, study partners, and mentors. You'll never hear me laud my own accomplishments without a lengthy "acknowledgements" section. But be gentle with me and allow me to let you in at my own pace. Trust me, it's gonna be worth it.

16. When either one of these sides of you is going through something tough, you turn to chocolate. And, for some reason, chocolate is still not fat free, nor is it zero calories. And that is probably the biggest struggle of all. 

*gasp* someone must have told this article's author about my chocolate drawer... um, make that chocolate drawers!