Today I finished a journal and realized that I started it exactly 4 months ago today. I've NEVER journaled that much and I've never come across so many quotes, lyrics, emails, and IM conversations that just had to be tucked away in that little notebook. I've never had so much going on that I feel like my head will explode if I don't find some way for it to all make sense. I've never felt so deeply that I knew my heart would burst unless I could find words to get it out of my heart and into written words. A cup of coffee, a plethora of pillows, my favorite pen, comfy pajamas, and page after page of emptiness waiting to be filled... a perfect combination!
As I was glancing through old entries I came across a few common themes: faith in God, lack of sleep, trust in my parents, crazy late night studying, love at not-quite-first sight, extreme confusion, amazing friends, struggles with the past, needy friends, anger at God that again turns into disappointment with myself, excitement about the future, and the incredible security of knowing I am loved and cared for.
I've realized that the times when I am the most confused and least talkative are the times when I need to journal. When I need to find words to explain what I'm going through and the emotions swirling within. And it almost drives to to a panic; I have to explain, I have to find words, I have to make someone understand that it's not all in my head. I have to convince my heart that this is not a novel feeling and though Webster's 1828 may not be able to find the word it does exist--and I have to find it. Which sometimes takes 13 pages to do!
There's been a few prayers turned self-lectures. A few "God, I want You to..." turned "help me to..." A few "I feel so therefore it's true..." turned "God/the Bible/my parents say so therefore I must..." The end of the entry sometimes turns out to be 180 degrees from the beginning!
I have seen God's incredible patience as He leads me to find the answer and how He gently waits for me to return and sit in His lap again and learn from Him. He lets me run from Him and then finds me and picks me up and returns me home... how He pulls out incredible emotional band-aids, opens up His nail-scarred hands and says, "Let Me take that burden for You. Rest here and let me hold your heart."
Ah, journaling is wonderful but how I fit it into my schedule, I have no idea...
As I was glancing through old entries I came across a few common themes: faith in God, lack of sleep, trust in my parents, crazy late night studying, love at not-quite-first sight, extreme confusion, amazing friends, struggles with the past, needy friends, anger at God that again turns into disappointment with myself, excitement about the future, and the incredible security of knowing I am loved and cared for.
I've realized that the times when I am the most confused and least talkative are the times when I need to journal. When I need to find words to explain what I'm going through and the emotions swirling within. And it almost drives to to a panic; I have to explain, I have to find words, I have to make someone understand that it's not all in my head. I have to convince my heart that this is not a novel feeling and though Webster's 1828 may not be able to find the word it does exist--and I have to find it. Which sometimes takes 13 pages to do!
There's been a few prayers turned self-lectures. A few "God, I want You to..." turned "help me to..." A few "I feel so therefore it's true..." turned "God/the Bible/my parents say so therefore I must..." The end of the entry sometimes turns out to be 180 degrees from the beginning!
I have seen God's incredible patience as He leads me to find the answer and how He gently waits for me to return and sit in His lap again and learn from Him. He lets me run from Him and then finds me and picks me up and returns me home... how He pulls out incredible emotional band-aids, opens up His nail-scarred hands and says, "Let Me take that burden for You. Rest here and let me hold your heart."
Ah, journaling is wonderful but how I fit it into my schedule, I have no idea...
1 comment:
I know what you mean. Isn't it wonderful to be able to talk through everything with the ONE who already understands what we're thinking and feeling... even before we do!
Hugs and Smiles!
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