listen to your heart...

I hear this phrase so often that I really don't think I know what it means anymore...

does it mean that I should do whatever I want?

does it mean I should chase after whatever makes me happy?

does it mean that my own heart is more important than anyone else's?

does it mean that I should listen to my heart over my head?

does it mean that as long as I am listening to my heart the rest of the world will be OK?

does it mean that everything my heart says is real... or true?

does it mean that when my heart is broken the rest of life is worth destroying too?

does it mean that when my heart is about to explode because it's so happy I should ignore all caution and "go for it?"

DOES IT MEAN THAT I SHOULD FOLLOW THE CREATION'S HEART... OR THE CREATOR'S HEART?

safe love...

I've recently come to love this song and thought I'd blog it here. It's called "Safe" from Britt Nicole's semi-new album "The Lost Get Found."

You keep trying to get inside my head
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hanging by a thread
To my life, what I know
Yeah, I'm losing control and

Oh, no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
You're not safe

I'm strong enough
I've always told myself
I never wanna need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill
So I'm dropping my guard,
Here's your chance at my heart

Oh, no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Everything you want, but it's everything you need
It's not always happy endings
But it's all the in-between
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
That your love is worth the risk

Oh, no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe
And that's ok

God’s been teaching me a lot about love recently—“people love” and “God love.” See, I’m realizing how stubborn and self-sufficient I am. And even when I’m not, I still make it very clear to people that I still want to be treated as such. It takes a lot for me to admit that I’m worn out, to accept someone walking me back to my dorm late at night, or to let people see the way I really feel.

And then God knocks me off my feet. Showers me with His love and when I look for the strings experience has taught me must be attached, I find none. And that unnerves me. Makes me unsure of what to do. Makes me realize that He has once again seen past my defenses.

When things aren’t safe I turn and run. I think it’s easier that way. I don’t have to face it. I don’t have to let anyone past the walls. The defenses are up.

I like walls. I like distance. Letting anyone in is risky. Uncertain. Unclear. And then I hear His voice in the back of my mind asking for me to let Him in. He wants to bring light. Bring life. Banish loneliness and bring laughter. He could tear down the walls but He would prefer that I hand over the key and let Him in of my own accord. Let Him have His chance at my heart. Allow Him to woo me and make me fall in love with Him.

If I let Him in will that rock my world? Yes.

Love’s not safe, but it’s worth the risk.

ideas?

So, I am debating doing a dance for an event coming up in Decemeber (still in the works, so I don't want to ruin the surprise!) and I need some help narrowing down my list of songs. They're in order from my favorite to not so favorite, but what do ya'll think? Even if you've never danced, which songs resonate most with you???

I'm Speechless (Avalon) http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.artistalbums&artistid=4805323&ap=0&albumid=9641356

Gentle Savior (David Phelps) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsFNnJObieA

Daughter of the King (Donna Stuart) http://www.myspace.com/donnastuart

Completely (Ana Laura: from Facing the Giants Soundtrack) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcYqKuRDttw

Omega (Rebecca St. James) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-zjQMRRX5o

Your Name (Phillips, Craig, and Dean) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2qm3eD4akM

It Might Be Hope (Sara Groves) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRlOLZ0H4ck

self-worth...

In my sport psychology book we've been studying self-concept as it relates to high risk sports and sensation-seeking athletes. I came across this quote in the middle of the chapter on self theory and found it thought provoking.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong,

And you really do have worth."

-Anonymous

Wow... that is sad. It's pretty defeatist. It's kind of like, I can't rely on anyone else to be there or think of me, so I must take care of myself first.

I choose to believe something else. That I may get hurt along the way and that people will let me me down without meaning to. But that God shows love, brings security, speaks promises, gives grace in defeat, is in control of tomorrow's plans, sends sunshine, brings me flowers, and I have worth because of who made me!

un....

I found this picture on a blog called "I want to be lost among your thoughts" and loved it! Sometimes I feel that each person should wear a sign like this and just re-alert the rest of the world to the fact that we are human and are not supposed to have it all together!

finally!!!!

So, sitting here on my desk is a glorious large white envelope with my MercyShips application safely tucked inside. Tomorrow morning it will be walked to the post office on the North side of the A&M campus, weighed and metered, and then dropped into a tub of mail to be sorted and sent on its way...

Oh my gosh, I am so excited!!!!!!! This has been a several year process from realizing that God was laying the African people on my heart, finding out about MercyShips, having an entire summer without summer school (first time in 3 years!), and having my parents totally on board with it.

And then the process of filling out the extensive application, getting 2 letters of recommendation, and getting a complete medical exam. (and soon will come the wonderful rounds of vaccines and the process of getting a visa :P )

It's hard to believe that instead of sitting here reading the ship's blog, watching videos, and dreaming about being a part of MercyShips, next summer I might be off the coast of Sub Saharan Africa as a part of the world's largest non-governmental hospital ship! If I am accepted to go, I will be just housekeeping or kitchen staff, but that is OK. Until I graduate from physical therapy school and pass my licensing exam I won't be allowed to do anything hands-on, but I plan to spend most of my free afternoons in the therapy/prosthetic clinic!!!

Anyway, this is a somewhat random post--an unusual derivation from my typical blogs--but I just had to tell ya'll!

Slow Me Down

So, this year I'm not in Chara, the Christian dance company here at A&M. But I've been stalking the company's YouTube channel waiting for the video of their first piece of the school year. Ironic that the song is fast climbing to the top of my iTunes playlist. It's called "Slow Me Down" by Emmy Rossum, the girl who played Christine in Phantom of the Opera.

The video is the top one in the sidebar on the right. Or can be found here. The official music video can be found here.

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
My head and my heart are colliding - chaotic
Pace of the world -- I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
Save me
Somebody take my hand
And lead me

Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast-forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart
Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand
And lead me

Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down

Friends...and God...

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. — Henri J.M. Nouwen (via kari-shma)

I came across this quote on another girl's blog called I Am Blessed, (P.S. I do not necessarily 100% endorse the blogs or sites I link to) and felt like passing it on.

I can't stand it when people try to solve your problems before they listen all the way through.

...and God says, "I can't wait to hear every little detail.

Talk as long as you need to. I'll still be here."

I can't stand it when friends jump in and make a to-do list for you based on their perception of what your prioroties are.

...and God says, "Spend time in My Word and I'll help you

get refocused on My priorities."

I can't stand it when guys cannot contain their "problem-solving, damsel-in-distress rescuing" mindset.

...and God says, "Let Me walk alongside you and carry

you through."

I can't stand it when people don't cut you any slack, but demand it for themselves.

...and God says, "Cut it out. Get real with Me. Let's deal

with the excuses you keep making."

I can't stand it when friends take what you say at face value and don't realize that you're not yourself.

...and God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you

and nothing you say, do, or think will make Me love

you any less."

I can't stand it when friends pretend nothing's wrong and hope you'll snap out of it.

...and God says, "I love you too much to let you go on like

this. I'm stepping in to pull you out because you can't

even move you're so stuck."

I can't stand it when friends assume you remember all the Bible verses you've always told them and don't remind you of the verses.

...and God says, "I can't wait to show you again all the

promises that I've written to you! Open up your Bible

and let Me show you."

I can't stand it when friends say, "call me if you need to" but you know they really hope you won't.

...and God says, "I woke you up in the middle of the night

so that we could talk. I really want to spend some time

with you!"

I can't stand it when friends immediately try to relate with you and tell you all of their stories.

...and God says, "Let me hear your heart. And then let

Me show you how My heart breaks over you."

I can't stand it when friends don't give you a hug because they're afraid of getting in your space.

...and God says, "I don't care how much you try to push

Me out, I'm still going to be here.

I can't stand it when friends just say, "it'll be OK."

...and God says, "I will work things out for good. But in

the meantime here's an extra measure of My peace."

no need to settle...

I found this picture from a girl's blog and I knew I needed to pass it on!

How many times a day do we settle???

We settle with wearing comfortable clothes instead of something that's cute but might take some time to iron.

We settle with leaving in the earrings from yesterday instead of taking the effort to find a pair in the mess of the jewelry box.

We settle for whatever cereal is the easiest to get out instead of searching for those elusive rice crispies.

We settle for being slightly cold instead of going back inside to get a jacket.

We settle for whatever song plays next on our iPod instead of finding the one we want.

We settle for just smiling at people we pass by instead of saying hello.

We settle for being 2 minutes late to class... it doesn't count that you're late if the professor hasn't walked in yet.

We settle for the quick option for lunch instead of waiting in line for the hot Chik-fil-A fries at the campus food court.

We settle for parking the bike wherever is closest instead of putting it back where it's usually parked... and then spend ten minutes trying to find it the next day.

We settle for going to a church that has a later service instead of good Bible teaching... that extra 2 hours of sleep is more important.

We settle for friends who make us feel good instead of friends who will tell us the truth to our face.

We settle for 3rd deck football tickets instead of getting up early and waiting in line to pull a good seat for the game.

We settle for wearing stuff that the mall sells instead of clothes that are modest as well as cute... even though we know it makes it harder for our Christian brothers.

We settle into casual dating relationships with no intention of real commitment instead of holding out for God's best--our Prince Charming.

There's no need to be satisfied with second-rate, second-best options! Stay strong! God wants to give you His best! Girls, I beg you not to settle!

Friends, friends, and more friends...

Well, I thought it was about time to introduce the people that I spend most of my time with! :-) So, here are a few of my random friends from college!

Sarah (left) and Melody (right) are two of the girls that I spend the most time with! They're roommates whom I met in Bible study our first semester here at A&M. Over the last year we've developed a circle of mutual friends and we spend a lot of late-nights in the library together. Sarah and I laugh over the craziest things and at times "fight" over the stupidest stuff! Our late-night guy talks and monologues on life are a total God-send and I can't imagine life without her! :-)

This is the group from my "second church." I am only able to attend the Sunday night college group hangouts, but they totally welcome me! We get together at the Sunday School leaders' home for a homemade dinner, Uno, movies, and random talks standing in the kitchen. These people are so much fun to hang out with!

Cameron and Sonia lead the Navigators ministry here at A&M. My parents have been involved with the Navs for several years, as was my oldest brother, Peter. Last year I didn't get to hang out with the Navs much, but this year I have come to love both of them and totally appreciate their way of connecting with us while still keeping up a high standard for us leaders. Last semester a few of us girls invited Sonia to watch "Twilight" with us and now she is a fellow junkie! She was almost more excited than I was to get tickets to see "New Moon" at the midnight showing! :-)

This is the entire Servant-Leader team for this year. All of these Navigators are so awesome and I love seeing their passion for life and their love for the Lord! Before school started we all got to spend some time planning for this school year and it was great to get to know them all better! Sadly, this picture was taken after I had to head back to campus early from the retreat.

Hannah (middle) is like my big sister. She led the Navigators Bible study that I was in last semester and she has been discipling me as well. She and I have a lot of laughs together, share stories from the week, encourage each other to keep going, pray for each other, and are there for each other to cry or vent or get advice about school, life, or guys. I think this picture was snapped at the Navs end of the year slip-n-slide party where I decided that she needed to get muddy before changing to go down the slide... I think it turned into a tickle fight, though!

Elana led my Bible Study with Hannah last semester, and is my co-leader this semester. She has a fresh look at the Scriptures and brings a joy to life that is super-refreshing! She makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes spiritually... two awesome things in a friend!

This is the entire Sophomore Advisor team for my freshman Honors dorm. The 13 sophomores and 1 junior are the best people to work with, stress with, and laugh with! We've been through a lot ever since February when we found out we made this year's team, but I am so glad they are there to keep me sane and allow me to vent after a crazy Honors event or difficult week of studying!

This is my awesome roommate Shelby! She's also one of the Sophomore Advisors and together we rule the South end of 3rd floor with an iron fist, the always-on coffee pot, lots of laughs, and an open-door policy! She complains to me in the mornings entirely in Spanish... and we usually joke about doing dishes for several days before we actually do them! She's been an awesome roommate!

So that's a glimpse of my life here at school. I have a few different circles of friends (which means I can usually find someone to talk to, study with, work out with, or eat a meal with at any time of day--or night!), but it's good to have a break from different aspects of my life. I laugh a lot, cry a lot, and am completely random for great lengths of time, but they all put up with me... or may even love me for it! I can't imagine going through my years here without them all! Thank God for friends!

If you pick me a flower...

This is excerpted from a blog my friend told me about called "I Am Blessed." It's been edited some since some of my readers are younger girls. This post just totally warmed my heart and made me think about all the awesome ways we can show love to others, how important it is to affirm the guys in our lives, and the special relationship between husband and wife... enjoy!

“If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair.

I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them.

We’ll make history together.

I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it.

Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must.

I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms.

When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up.

I find you magically delicious.

I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter.

I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me.

I’ll hold your coffee while you drive.

I can build a fire without burning the house down.

If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you.

I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night... of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down.

It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most.

I love it when you sing to me.

I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes.

I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching TV.

I won’t make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas.

I’ll grant you three wishes.

I’ll make you laugh.

I will marvel at your strength.

I’ll take care of you when you’re sick.

I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard.

My heart will skip every time you walk through the door.

My kisses will take your breath away – seriously.

My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours.

I’ll hold you when you need it.

I will give you space when you need it.

I will let you be you.

You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you.

I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me.

I’ll never give you grief in front of your friends.

I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a kiss.

We can watch your movie first.

I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your mom comes by.

I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close.

I love it when you lay your head on my chest.

I can balance a checkbook.

I can never turn down a challenge.

I’ll fit perfectly in your arms.

I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason.

I can totally keep a secret.

I’m pretty darn funny and will do anything to make you laugh.

You will always look hot to me in the morning.

I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate.

When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet.

I’ll call when I say I will.

Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man.

To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent. ”

love...

What is love? Well, in the last three months I have seen someone demonstrate love in two ways that totally melted my heart--and I want to share those with you.

*Scenario 1*

This summer as I was driving back and forth to jr. college I was asked to pick up a new battery for a riding lawn mower. I was already stopping by Walmart to pick up some other things, so after class I went by the store before heading to volunteer at the in-patient rehab hospital. I was so proud of myself for getting the right kind and size of battery--and that I put the battery inside the truck so that it didn't get stolen as I parked in kind of a sketchy employee parking lot behind the hospital. (FYI, for those of you who don't regularly buy automotive batteries, they can be $60+ and I didn't want it to get stolen!)

Well, four hours later I get off the shuttle bus, walk to the truck, open the door to throw my purse in the back and gasp... the battery was bubbling and had this purple liquid oozing out of the top! The cab had gotten so hot that the battery overheated and started to spill out all the wonderful acids inside...

The floor mat was almost totally destroyed. The carpet underneath the mat was completely de-fuzzed and it was a huge sticky mess covered in acid. And I knew I was busted for damaging a vehicle that wasn't even mine!

I picked up my friend from the jr. college and Peter from work and he drove home because I was upset and totally freaked out that I would be yelled at and would be forbidden to borrow the car again.

I got back and walked up to the door trying to figure out what to say. I burst into tears and could barely get the words out as I struggled to explain how sorry I was and how I didn't mean to damage the truck.

And then I found myself wrapped in a hug and told that the only thing that mattered was that I was safe and the battery hadn't exploded or the acid gotten onto me. The car would be fine, and I was way more precious. Then we got the hose, some baking soda, and tons of old rags to neutralize the acid and salvage what we could of the car mat. We stayed outside together for about an hour taking care of the mess and no one ever mentioned that I should pay for a new set of car mats or any remarks about me being stupid. Nothing. Just happiness that I was OK and that it really wasn't that big of a deal. It was just a car.

*Scenario 2*

My laptop started freaking out at the end of the spring semester--randomly shutting down for no reason. I worked with it for a few weeks, borrowed Peter's cooling stand, and shut it off when I wasn't using it. This summer as I was doing homework online and dealing with emails about college and Sophomore Advisor events with the honors dorm the laptop started flipping out again. I finally took it in to get fixed. $153 later I had a new processor and the stern warning to not set my computer on the bed or a soft surface that would block the fan air intake so I didn't overheat and fry the processor again. (Yeah, I probably should have known that... but I didn't.)

All was well and good until about a week ago. My computer started shutting down again and even when I let it cool down it wouldn't even start up enough to let me log in before shutting down. I was so frustrated and called home to get some advice. 6 hours later I got a call and decided on a new laptop. 4 days later I come back from my lab mid-term practical to find the Dell box sitting on my desk. I didn't have to complain and convince anyone that my computer was really broken. I didn't have to appeal to an authority with a proposal after doing all my research. I made my need known and found my need provided for quickly!

See, in neither of those situations did I deserve the response that I got. I deserved to pay for new car mats and have my driving privileges revoked. I deserved to pay for a new computer and have to deal with doing all the research myself and try to not get ripped off.

But love reaches out to those that know they don't deserve it. Love loves to go above and beyond--just because. Love sees the unspoken needs for acceptance and trust and lays aside the teaching moment until later. Love reaches out and gives of its own time and energy to help another person. Love acts and acts quickly. Love loves with no expectation of receiving anything back.

And that's my dad. By these two situations he has shown me incredible love. He has shown the chivalrous side of the knight coming to rescue the damsel in distress and the protective and providing side of an attentive and caring parent. He had my best interest at heart and even sought to find a pink laptop with a webcam--even without me asking! When someone noticed the car mats, he never said it was my fault, only that we had something spill and eat through part of the mat. I knew that we had taken care of it, he knew he didn't need to lecture me, and we both know it's behind us.

Love sees. Love reaches out. Love gives. And Love forgives and forgets.

This is a song that I came across a few weeks ago... if you're not into Christian techno/rap, please still give this a full listen-through!

keep on walking

This week has been a tough week...

*anatomy and physiology lab quiz (and 8 hours of studying beforehand)

*anatomy and physiology lecture test (just got out from the test. Studied for about 10 hours)

*psychology of learning test tomorrow morning (and I only started studying this afternoon!)

*writing a paper for my sport psychology class

*going witnessing with the other Bible study leaders in Navigators

*creating flyers to advertise for the Honors program here at A&M and trying to get them approved

*my roommate got sick last Saturday and only started feeling better today

*my bike got stolen (and it had a flat tire, too!)

*it's rained almost every day for the last two weeks

*yesterday and today it was in the mid-60s... way too early for hoodie weather in Texas!

*and sleep seems to allude me even when I finally collapse into bed around 2:30am.

but even then, life moves on. God is still on His throne. My family still loves me. My friends still care about me. My laundry still piles up. Classes still meet. The sun still rises and sets. The frozen dinners in my freezer are still better than the food on campus.

And I am reminded that there are only 3 things that I really need to be concerned with.

God.

The moment.

And the people in that moment.

Focus on God. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Everything will fall into place. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep going. I may not be able to skip, run, or dance, but I can keep walking. Look around me and see the others that are right there alongside me. Studying with me. Stressing with me. Living with me. Lean on the others and keep plowing ahead.

and I think I can do that.

"Therefore I tell you, DO NOT WORRY about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. IS NOT LIFE MORE IMPORTANT than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly FATHER feeds them. Are you not much more VALUABLE than they? Who of you by WORRYING can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27 NIV