Relationships Part 3 - Emotional Purity

Over the last two weeks I've been reading "Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart" by Heather Paulsen. I opened the book with a bit of trepidation, but as it was highly recommended, I decided to give it a shot... and I soon found myself underlining passages here and there. I'd recommend it as a wonderful quick read (it's only 153 pages long) that will give you a lot to think about and cause you to view guy/girl interactions in a new light.

She starts out with a fictional couple's story--how it started out so well and began quite harmlessly between two Christian friends, yet ended in real pain to both parties--and ties all of the book chapters back to that story. When I read the story again after reading the book I saw red flags all throughout the relationship--many of them red flags I hadn't seen the first time.

Here are some of my favorite phrases and quotes that just got me thinking...

"Keep in mind that God created marriage to be an example of the relationship between Christ, the Bridegroom, and the church, His bride. God wants the relationship between a husband and wife to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church: Since marriage begins at the commitment level, we need to line up friendship, dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage with God's depiction. Why should our path toward earthly marriage look or act differently? Our path should be commitment then intimacy." (page 58)


"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment. Why do we allow ourselves to think that God would be pleased with dating, friendship, courtships, or marriages here on earth that look different than His design for our walk with Him?" (page 61-62)


"Only after we enter into a lifelong commitment with God may we come into the Most Holy Place of intimacy with Him. Step one: a lifelong commitment. Step two: intimacy. It is impossible to love Him before step one, and He does not let us get to know Him personally before the commitment." (page 63)

"Commitment equals protection." (page 64)


"The need for a marriage partner is gone when emotions are freely bestowed on anyone who comes along. I hope my future husband will be starving for female attention. If other girlfriends have filled in my place, my husband won't be longing for me. But if he waits until God introduces us, he will be lonely for female attention and companionship and will appreciate me a great deal more." (page 65)

"Do you fear being single the rest of your life? Or do you fear being in a marriage not ordained by God?" (page 73)

"Next to salvation, your choice of a mate is the biggest decision of your life. God is not going to leave you hanging." (page 80)

"[Tracy] opened up to Mike (two characters is the fictional account she opens the book with) beyond her comfort level in hopes of being more attractive to him, thereby putting her timing above God's timing." (page 86)

She also quoted from a TV show where Dr. Laura Schlessinger was a special guest on the topic of marital affairs and couples who had emotional relationships with others besides their partners. Dr. Laura summarized her feelings on the matter this way:
"Intimacy is not just about physical encounters. When someone shares feelings, secrets, desires, flirts or flatters, or even places himself or herself in a compromising situation, you are being intimate. The final analysis: all forms of intimacy should be reserved for the marital relationship or else you are taking something away. Something that belongs to the spouse and giving it away to someone else. That wasn't what the vows were about.
The ultimate deterrent to all of this is a strong set of moral values, rules, and standards. These keep you from even taking the first step. Because, for sure if you don't take that first step, then you won't be there to take that final fatal step." (page 137)

Relationships Part 2 - "Ezer"

I just finished "Captivating" the day before I left for Africa. It's taken me since last November to get through... partly because the guided journal chapters are so long, I never seemed to have enough God/coffee-mornings-when-I-wasn't-sleeping-in, and I'm plain lazy. :-)

One point the authors kept coming back to again and again was the importance of women. The God-created dire need in a man's life for a woman...  Let me quote some from "Captivating;"

...She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth--all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture--we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. "It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]" (Gen 2:18, Alter). Hebrew Scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate." The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him."

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. [for a complete list click here]And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately. 

"There is no one like the God of Jerusalem, who rides on the heavens to help you..."

"May the LORD answer you when you are in distress, may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help." (Ps 20:1-2) 

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. 

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life... God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your missions is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger...

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. he does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place. (From Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stacy Eldredge, pages 31-33)

See, I react when people say that as women, all we are to do is to "help our husbands." But they don't have any specifics--any particular ways their husbands need help. They often view themselves as extensions of their husbands, seeing the world through his eyes and helping him live out his dreams. And I think those women are missing out on what we are called to do.

We were NOT created to be just accessories. We are needed. Those who are married are desperatley needed by their husbands; those of us who are single may discover a man's need once they have begun a relationship. If a husband could do everything he's supposed to without any help or anyone alongside him, then God would not have created an ezer kenegdo for him. There would be no need for a wife, she would be just an extra.

I can't count the number of times that older women have told me that I'm supposed to prepare to be his "help meet." But what on earth does that look like? If my man desperately needs me then I must be able to stand beside him and lift up his hands (Exodus 17:12), help complete his work (Nehemiah 3:12), and remind him of God's dreams for our little family.

My dad's been amazing to teach me a lot of stuff that I didn't think I'll ever really need to know...  but he's training me to be able to come alongside and be an ezer kenegdo. More than changing a tire, balancing a checkbook,  or hanging wallpaper, he's taught (and is still teaching) me how to help people with their personal growth, be a leader that people want to follow, develop a business plan, pursue wise money management and investing principles, stay under the authority of a person I don't agree with or sometimes even respect, recognize my own personality strengths and spiritual gifts and build a team around me to accomplish a common goal, and  do what I know is right--even when no one else understands, let alone agrees.

We are to be more than companions--companionship can be bought. We are to be more than buddies--that's seen often enough when the guys get together for Monday night football or a cookout. We are to be more than a soft, feminine addition to his life--beauty fades so fast. We are to be more than confidants--the is best seen in a close "band of brothers" we pray he already has. We are to be more than helpers--he can hire an accountant, a baby sitter, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur... we are more than an extra set of hands... we are to be his "sustainer beside him."

What are you doing right now to become a sustainer? Who are you sustaining right now? It won't magically start once you've said "I do." Are you sustaining friends in prayer? Are you sustaining your mother with her full workload at home or your father at work? What can you do to lift up the hands of someone in need, be there in the nick of time, and--in a sense--allow them to realize, "What on earth did I do without her before?" THAT woman is an ezer kenegdo.

Relationships Part 1

God's been teaching me a lot about relationships recently, and it seems like He has more up His sleeve to teach me. I'm learning what godly relationships look like and what they should look like (which are often two different things), how a single girl's supposed to live when she's getting the "Wait" from God, and doing some internal reflection and realignment with the Bible.

I'm reading several good books right now and some of what I'll blog about will come from there. I've found some of these books from Amazon.com suggestions, borrowing from friends, friends' mother's recommendations, and conversations with girls in the same stage in life.

So, anyway, that's an intro to these next couple blog posts. Remember, this is what God is teaching me and what I am seeking to do with my relationships, not hard and fast rules for myself or anyone else! I am always open for questions, challenges, and thoughtful advice... :-)

What's on my bookshelf right now...

I have this ever-increasing stack of books on the shelf by my bed in my dorm room... this stack has recently undergone a growth spurt thanks to my recent discovery of $65 sitting in my Amazon.com account, and has been added to through borrowings from college friends.

Then there's the non-existent stack of books I have finished reading. It's non-existent because I've passed them on, loaned them out, or sent them home for my parents to read... good books are like a good pot of coffee--they're so much better when they're savored slowly and shared with a friend!

So here are a few of my wordy friends, perhaps you'll find something to read just in time for summer! I'm not going to do a book review by any means, but I just want to share a few thoughts with ya'll. (Click the image to go straight to Amazon.com for more information)\

Brown Like Coffee - The List Guy

I received this book as a thank-you gift from the A&M Navigators staff this past Christmas and it sat on my shelf for quite a few weeks! It's thin size didn't seem too daunting and I actually enjoyed it's warm and upbeat message that is directed to churched college students. Each section of the book starts out with a description of a specific coffee drink and then makes an analogy to the Christian life. I found it to be quickie read, and the thought provoking questions and easily applicable challenges helped get the concepts out of the page and into real life. It's a good book to read once and pass on to a college-aged friend.



Through the Dark Woods - Joann Swinney
I wish I found this book earlier. It's written from the heart of an English girl in her early 20s. She writes from the Christian perspective and incorporates a good bit of scientific data about depression and addresses the social stigmas associated with it. It's a wonderful book for those who know someone who is depressed, are worried about a loved one and aren't sure how to broach the topic, or for the depressed person themselves. One chapter provides a long list of things a person suffering from depression can do to stop the cycle ... journaling, making a pot of good tea, trying a new recipe, going window shopping, going on a brisk morning walk... This is the first book I have read that has acknowledged both physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of depression or that has indicated that returning from depression is not an easy affair that happens overnight.

For Young Women Only- Shaunti Feldhan
I've heard about this book for several years and finally bought it! I love the subtitle: "What you need to know about how guys think." Yeah, there's a lot that us girls WANT to know about guys (and we have magazines like Teen Vogue and Cosmopolitan to satisfy that), but what do we NEED to know in order to live our lives more appropriately and help our Christian brothers out? The statistics from thousands of young men from all different walks of life were really helpful and showed me a different side of the male population! The best thing about this book was that the authors give you the facts, share the Spiritual truth that correlates, but allows the reader to decide what she will do about it. It's not a book of rules by any means, but a good resource to have. Several girls have asked me about modesty, appropriate levels of sarcasm with guy friends, and have sought me out for relationship advice and it's been neat to show them what guys across the country have to say on those topics! It's also helped dispel some of the myths I've had about brothers and guys in general, even after I've grown up around so many guys!

Lies Young Women Believe - Nancy Leigh DeMoss
I haven't started this book yet, but I look forward to more of Nancy Leigh DeMoss' heart-to-heart truth! It looks like a great book for high school girls working through it on their own or perhaps with a small group of friends. It's different from "Lies Women Believe" in that it includes sections of questions and room to journal. The 25 lies tackled in this book include "beautiful girls are worth more," it's OK to one person at home and another with other people... especially online," and "I can't handle the loneliness of staying pure."

Lady in Waiting - Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones
I have not read this one either, but the subtitle also intrigued me; "Becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right." It's a pretty thick book but includes an in-depth workbook at the back. I think this will be a good part of my summer devotions.  :-)

The Hospital by the River - Catherine Hamlin
This is an autobiography of a woman who with her husband started the first fistula repair hospital in Africa back in the 1950s. Since then the facility has helped over 20,000 young women return to society after a procedure to correct damage done by an obstructed and prolonged childbirth process. Mercy Ships does a number of these corrective surgeries and one of the current ship crew recommended this book to me--aparently, many of these women also participate in physical therapy as part of their post-op care! I'm super excited to dig into this book and learn a little more about the incredible medical needs in Africa and I'm inspired by this woman's passion for the physical and spiritual restoration of each patient!

Serving through medicine for God's glory... together

I'm reading a book called "Where Elephants Fight" written by Dr. Ardill, a missionary surgeon serving with SIM in Jos, Nigeria. The book is about his earlier missions days in Liberia during their civil war. I read it a few years ago, but it didn't really hit home like it has this read through.

I've been reading during my walks between classes, on my way to the Rec center, and on the bus ride to the grocery store... :-) and today one paragraph really hit me. I've been thinking about two seemingly incompatible desires--wanting to be a wife and mom and serve as a missionary physical therapist in Africa for the rest of my life--and wondering how God's going to work it out. It takes a special guy to want to serve in missions in Africa! I know He's going to work it out, but it's still hard to trust Him in the meantime; Dr. Ardill's words really encouraged me that God will work things out!

"...We said a tearful goodbye to our church friends in Baltimore and Dorothy's [his wife] parents and family. Saying goodbye is never easy but this time, for me, it was so much better returning to Africa with my best friend at my side. We were going together with a strong sense of God's leading and His confirmation in so many tangible ways. It had been a great nine months [since the wedding] together in the States. Now we were going out as a team to minister through medicine for His glory."

That's what I desire... a best friend to serve as a team through medicine together! But I want God's best more!!!