Comfort...

Have you ever just opened your Bible not really sure what you're looking for, knowing that God is only one who can supply it, but not really knowing where to go?

Today is one of those days. I'm sitting here in the Starbucks right across from campus, savoring my venti triple peppermint mocha and I just opened my Bible to 2 Corinthians. No particular reason, except that I hadn't read it in a while.

And I got stuck on chapter 1:3-11

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

I needed a little comfort this morning, I guess. I wasn't really sure what I was expecting. In fact, I was skeptical that I would feel any better by reading in the Word... but I feel kind of guilty that as a Bible study leader I tell my girls to go to God with their worries and troubles and yet I rarely do so myself. So today I was like, whatever... I guess I'll try it... And God had something to show me this morning.

I think I'm supposed to be comforted today. And oddly enough, I am.

4 months

Today I finished a journal and realized that I started it exactly 4 months ago today. I've NEVER journaled that much and I've never come across so many quotes, lyrics, emails, and IM conversations that just had to be tucked away in that little notebook. I've never had so much going on that I feel like my head will explode if I don't find some way for it to all make sense. I've never felt so deeply that I knew my heart would burst unless I could find words to get it out of my heart and into written words. A cup of coffee, a plethora of pillows, my favorite pen, comfy pajamas, and page after page of emptiness waiting to be filled... a perfect combination!

As I was glancing through old entries I came across a few common themes: faith in God, lack of sleep, trust in my parents, crazy late night studying, love at not-quite-first sight, extreme confusion, amazing friends, struggles with the past, needy friends, anger at God that again turns into disappointment with myself, excitement about the future, and the incredible security of knowing I am loved and cared for.

I've realized that the times when I am the most confused and least talkative are the times when I need to journal. When I need to find words to explain what I'm going through and the emotions swirling within. And it almost drives to to a panic; I have to explain, I have to find words, I have to make someone understand that it's not all in my head. I have to convince my heart that this is not a novel feeling and though Webster's 1828 may not be able to find the word it does exist--and I have to find it. Which sometimes takes 13 pages to do!

There's been a few prayers turned self-lectures. A few "God, I want You to..." turned "help me to..." A few "I feel so therefore it's true..." turned "God/the Bible/my parents say so therefore I must..." The end of the entry sometimes turns out to be 180 degrees from the beginning!

I have seen God's incredible patience as He leads me to find the answer and how He gently waits for me to return and sit in His lap again and learn from Him. He lets me run from Him and then finds me and picks me up and returns me home... how He pulls out incredible emotional band-aids, opens up His nail-scarred hands and says, "Let Me take that burden for You. Rest here and let me hold your heart."

Ah, journaling is wonderful but how I fit it into my schedule, I have no idea...