Psalm 31

I just needed to re-read this tonight... I think my Bible just flips open to this Psalm, I've read it so much...

Psalm 31-A David Psalm (The Message)

 ^1-2I run to You, God; I run for dear life. Don't let me down! 
      Take me seriously this time! 
   Get down on my level and listen, 
      and please—no procrastination! 
   Your granite cave a hiding place, 
      Your high cliff aerie a place of safety. 

 ^3-5 You're my cave to hide in, 
      my cliff to climb. 
   Be my safe leader, 
      be my true mountain guide. 
   Free me from hidden traps; 
      I want to hide in You. 
   I've put my life in Your hands. 
      You won't drop me, 
      You'll never let me down. 

 ^6-13 I hate all this silly religion, 
      but You, God, I trust. 
   I'm leaping and singing in the circle of Your love; 
      You saw my pain, 
      You disarmed my tormentors, 
   You didn't leave me in their clutches 
      but gave me room to breathe. 
   Be kind to me, God— 
      I'm in deep, deep trouble again. 
   I've cried my eyes out; 
      I feel hollow inside. 
   My life leaks away, groan by groan; 
      my years fade out in sighs. 
   My troubles have worn me out, 
      turned my bones to powder. 
   To my enemies I'm a monster; 
      I'm ridiculed by the neighbors. 
   My friends are horrified; 
      they cross the street to avoid me. 
   They want to blot me from memory, 
      forget me like a corpse in a grave, 
      discard me like a broken dish in the trash. 
   The street-talk gossip has me 
      "criminally insane"! 
   Behind locked doors they plot 
      how to ruin me for good. 

 ^14-18 Desperate, I throw myself on You: 
      You are my God! 
   Hour by hour I place my days in Your hand, 
      safe from the hands out to get me. 
   Warm me, Your servant, with a smile; 
      save me because You love me. 
   Don't embarrass me by not showing up;
      I've given You plenty of notice. 
   Embarrass the wicked, stand them up, 
      leave them stupidly shaking their heads 
      as they drift down to hell. 
   Gag those loudmouthed liars 
      who heckle me, Your follower, 
      with jeers and catcalls. 

 ^19-22 What a stack of blessing You have piled up 
      for those who worship You, 
   Ready and waiting for all who run to You 
      to escape an unkind world. 
   You hide them safely away 
      from the opposition. 
   As You slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, 
      You silence the poisonous gossip. 
   Blessed God! 
      His love is the wonder of the world. 
   Trapped by a siege, I panicked. 
      "Out of sight, out of mind," I said. 
   But You heard me say it, 
      You heard and listened. 

 ²³ Love God, all You saints; 
      God takes care of all who stay close to Him, 
   But he pays back in full 
      those arrogant enough to go it alone. 

 ²⁴ Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. 
      Expect God to get here soon.

"Light Up the Sky"

I just had to share this video...

Christmas-y... or not...

So, I'm scrolling through my Facebook feed (a.k.a. the "stalker feed" to some of my friends), just a few minutes ago and I came across this status update from TWLOHA... I was online to post pictures on a prank profile a group of my friends made, I was thinking about "Santa" coming to visit, calculating how late I could stay up tonight and not be zonked on Christmas morning, but this status made me stop for a second.

For some of us, it's hard to imagine a Christmas without family, without presents, without spending time with those we love, without a warm home and good food. We're used to coming home from college to be with family, traveling to visit grandparents, throwing down a few more air mattresses for the 2nd and 3rd cousins, or even spending a quiet Christmas at home... it's familiar. It's Christmas...

...but if all of that were to change would it still feel like Christmas? Would it still even be Christmas?

Well what if you feel like crap this Christmas? What if you're lonely this Christmas? What if a loved one isn't there around the fire--whether they passed away, estranged themselves, or simply can't make it home for this Christmas? What if you feel haunted by memories that won't let go? What if the presents under the tree aren't as big or as numerous this Christmas? What if you just wish you could feel some sort of joy this Christmas?

Is it still Christmas?

We hear about the little Baby Jesus, the sweet virgin Mary, the beautiful angel Gabriel, and the faithful Joseph...

What about the newborn Baby that's finds Himself laid in a feed trough with work animals all around? What about the maiden who's probably been shunned, turned out, hated, misunderstood, and just underwent the weirdest 38 weeks of her entire life? What about the Messenger who got to give the strangest news to the most unnoticed girl in all of Israel... and got to deal with her first reaction? What about the fiancée who must have felt cheated on, shaken, shocked, and then got told it would all be OK and to just go ahead with plans?

Do you think their Christmas was all warm fuzzies? Or was it the hardest days of their lives? That Christmas day marked the start of all history changing... and I think it might have been worth going through some crap, some loneliness, some hurt, some painful memories, and some sleepless nights in order to welcome the King.

Ok, so that was 2000+ years ago. You say, what does that have to do with me now, with the pain I feel now, the memories I can't erase, the way things are broken now, and the abandonment I'm going through now?


When you look at Christmas in light of family, friends, food, fun, and freebies (a.k.a gifts), then you're right... that has nothing to do with what you're feeling now.

And I could just tell you to stop looking at yourself and to go find someone else less fortunate and to focus on what you do have... but that doesn't help for long.

But what about stripping December 25th down to a Baby in a manger... who didn't stay a baby and became the Savior?

If "Christmas" is too hard this year for whatever reason--and that reason doesn't have to seem legitimate to anyone else--then don't strive to feel happy/grateful, to "get over it," or go through with the traditional jam-packed schedule.

If being at home is hard, that's why coffeeshops are open Christmas Eve.

If you're out of good books, check out Google Books.

If you need something to keep yourself busy, check out some of these events.

I think if we stopped commercializing Christmas, stopped making it the biggest day of the year (with the huge letdown on the 26th), and stripped out the extra fluff, Christmas might actually be a lot more enjoyable... for all of us. Even those who don't feel particularly Christmas-y.

Quote

I came across this tonight and for some reason it really resonated with me... yes, it's totally secular, but I like her train of thought:

She’s not the type of girl to wait by the phone, she won’t cry, she knows it’ll get her nowhere, she’ll laugh a lot and often, and she will live her own life. She would like you to be a part of it, but she will do just fine without you.

— (via iamblessed.tumblr.com)

4 months

Today I finished a journal and realized that I started it exactly 4 months ago today. I've NEVER journaled that much and I've never come across so many quotes, lyrics, emails, and IM conversations that just had to be tucked away in that little notebook. I've never had so much going on that I feel like my head will explode if I don't find some way for it to all make sense. I've never felt so deeply that I knew my heart would burst unless I could find words to get it out of my heart and into written words. A cup of coffee, a plethora of pillows, my favorite pen, comfy pajamas, and page after page of emptiness waiting to be filled... a perfect combination!

As I was glancing through old entries I came across a few common themes: faith in God, lack of sleep, trust in my parents, crazy late night studying, love at not-quite-first sight, extreme confusion, amazing friends, struggles with the past, needy friends, anger at God that again turns into disappointment with myself, excitement about the future, and the incredible security of knowing I am loved and cared for.

I've realized that the times when I am the most confused and least talkative are the times when I need to journal. When I need to find words to explain what I'm going through and the emotions swirling within. And it almost drives to to a panic; I have to explain, I have to find words, I have to make someone understand that it's not all in my head. I have to convince my heart that this is not a novel feeling and though Webster's 1828 may not be able to find the word it does exist--and I have to find it. Which sometimes takes 13 pages to do!

There's been a few prayers turned self-lectures. A few "God, I want You to..." turned "help me to..." A few "I feel so therefore it's true..." turned "God/the Bible/my parents say so therefore I must..." The end of the entry sometimes turns out to be 180 degrees from the beginning!

I have seen God's incredible patience as He leads me to find the answer and how He gently waits for me to return and sit in His lap again and learn from Him. He lets me run from Him and then finds me and picks me up and returns me home... how He pulls out incredible emotional band-aids, opens up His nail-scarred hands and says, "Let Me take that burden for You. Rest here and let me hold your heart."

Ah, journaling is wonderful but how I fit it into my schedule, I have no idea...

what makes your heart cry?

This week has been really hard. It started with taking a test early on Sunday afternoon. Today I had a geography test, a statistics test, an outdoor dance performance in the main plaza of campus, a biology test, a meeting with a physical therapy graduate school advisor, after-school elementary school tutoring, and dance rehearsal/Bible study. I am wiped out!!! Thankfully tomorrow is Thursday and I only have one class in the late afternoon. Then on to the weekend! No class Friday, free all day Saturday and Sunday, and then Monday starts the rat race again... 

So, the reason for this blog post started with Breakaway on Tuesday. I think I may have mentioned Breakaway before, but in case I haven't, Breakaway is a weekly worship night and message that is held in the basketball arena and usually attracts 3,000+ students. The last few weeks we have been talking about sex and dating and the godly way to interact with the opposite gender. This week the topic was on pornography and its affect on how we love one another.

Heavy stuff, but desperately needed. It's one of those topics--like rape, suicide, and a myriad of addictions--that is pushed under the rug and wished away. No one ever mentions pornography and yet it's killing off our generation and dehumanizing the rest...

So, I'm sitting there hearing this amazing talk and trying to hold it all in. You see, this is something that has affected many of my loved ones and I have heard stories of so many of my parents' friends whose marriages have fallen apart because of pornography.

And as I am sitting there it's as if a box of memories on the back shelf of the back room in the warehouse of my mind was dumped on the floor. Memories and conversations and counseling and prayers and emotions that I had locked up for several years. Stuff that I wish I hadn't had to encounter, but glad that I learned what I did about the girls I met and interacted with. My heart is breaking as I am sitting there in a group of both guy and girl friends who really don't even know me that well. 

You see... what do I say? How do I tell my friends that I am sitting there silently bawling not because I am under conviction myself, but because my heart is breaking for one of my friends in particular. How do I explain that I see her face like it was yesterday, I feel her whole body shaking with the uncontrollable sobs of a heart rended by God, and I feel the pain like it was my own? What do I say, how do I explain? You don't. Because you just can't. 

So I come back to my room and try to fall asleep but sleep decided to allude me...for 5 hours. I wake up, head to first class and start my horrifically busy day. And until about 2 hours ago, I have been trying to just survive the day and not think about it. Like I am trying to put all of those memories back in a box, back on the shelf, back in the dark room. 

Because two hours ago I started a skype conversation with a wonderfully amazing friend from Thailand. She and I met officially on a VBS-like trip to Singapore and Malayisa. We fought like sisters, hung out together most of the time, cried together, took tons of crazy pictures, and probably sampled every Starbucks in both Malayisa and Singapore! And reliving all of those memories and seeing where she was when I met her in Tauwau, Malaysia and where God has brought her to now, totally thrilled my heart. There's something about a friend that can put a band-aid on life and make it all better.

You see, I am one of those people who often finds herself in counseling situations or on the other end of a phone or IM conversation with a hurting girl. I love how God challenges me each time I meet another situation, another life, another broken vessel that God wants to put back together so He can shine out through the cracks in her life (2 Cor 4:6-7). But it's hard. It's not fun. But is it worth it? Yes. Totally. Over and over I would gladly sacrifice a few hours of sleep, a few moments in prayer, a few minutes to read a verse with her, or a few months of follow-up accountability. But yet I am often left with memories that will not go away. They get pushed to the side, filed away, but often will return. And it hurts sometimes.

Yet I know that those burdens I feel for my dear sisters in Christ are not carried by me alone. Jehovah-Rapha's (God who heals) heart is crying too. But I know that if in some small way He is able to use some aspect of my life to bring about some part of the work He wants to do in hers, it is all worth it. 

...and so my heart cries. But I am not so sure that it's an entirely bad thing.