Move...

"Move." I couldn't agree more. There's a lot to be said for trying new things, meeting new people (maybe making new friends), eating new foods, listening to/learning new languages, learning new skills, picking up new hobbies, and seeing new sights. 

Until I went to college, I'd never been around a group of diverse people who had strong--and usually well-founded--opinions of their own, who were aspiring to dreams and passions of their own, and yet looked at the world so differently than I did. There, I about learned the wonderful world of Spore, WoW, Guitar Hero, and Halo mixed in with getting calculus homework help and attending a class on entrepreneurship & creative design process along with 60+ of my fellow dorm residents. Some of my favorite memories are of the lively 2am discussions in the hallway about the ethics of genetic research, global climate change, how ESPN's player stats are run through the wrong statistical model, and why the students alternate rows to "saw 'em off" during the A&M fight song in order to maintain the structural integrity of the student section of Kyle Field. 

When I got to graduate school, my classmates were more streamlined and I had less time to spend with outside friends. Although the 35 of us were on a similar path, we were still quite diverse with unique reasons for pursuing physical therapy and different dream jobs post-graduation. I found a group of people who challenged me to study hard, strengthen my clinical reasoning, maintain my patient empathy, and work as a team more than an individual. Several classes were integrated with students from the other allied health programs as well as with the 1st year medical students; in those class discussions we worked through case scenarios from each of our disciplines' perspectives and formed a cohesive multidisciplinary hypothetical treatment plan.

Currently, I work and live in an culture that values sameness, tradition, tried-and-true methods, and personal relationships. I often find myself caught between these two worlds... and it's not easy. This restless girl with the travel bug occasionally feels trapped. This passionate forward thinker occasionally butts heads with "how we've always done it." Yet I continue to move as often and as far as I can. I try to bring others with me and expand their horizons. And I tell them my stories to inspire them to step into another's shoes or open their heart to new possibilities. 

If we sat down and talked, I'd tell you about the time I made friends with a young girl in Germany who spoke less than 20 English words. I'd tell you about the time I played soccer in East Malaysia with a ball made of plastic bags and twine. I'd tell you about the 4 hour church service in West Africa where the only word I could sing along was "Hallelujah amen!"  I'd tell you about the kind fellow passenger who helped me up when I fell on a hike in Antarctica. And I'd tell you about the autobiographical books I'm reading now that make my heart ache, laugh, and cry alternately with each page.

How are you going to "move" today?

College is over... Way over...

Good thoughts... The Best is Yet to Come

I miss NZ...

Came across this picture on satellite true and it made me miss New Zealand.

When my family was in New Zealand (late '98) we visited the Kelly Tarlton Underwater World/Aquarium. He was the first guy to develop the necessary technology for the walk-through tunnels often seen in aquariums today and seen in the picture above. It was so cool to see a giant stingray just 3 feet above your head!

from the wikipedia article on Kelly Tarlon's aquarium tunnel

It was also kind of weird to know that this tunnel was built in an long-unused sewage pipe in Auckland!

I love randomly scrolling through all the blogs I follow in Google Reader (something like 71 blogs) and seeing pics that remind me of life, of love, of the little things I like.

One song...

from musicandlyrics via lovetrains

What's your "one song?" Some of mine are:

"Caroline" by Seventh Day Slumber

"Into the West" from the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

"Bad Day" by Daniel Powter

"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt

"Courage" by Superchic[k]

"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller

"So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff

"Flora's Secret" by Enya

"Tongue Tied" by Stereo Skyline

"Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade

"Healed" by Shane & Shane

"Gentle Savior" by David Phelps

"Banquet" by Bloc Party

"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson

Christmas-y... or not...

So, I'm scrolling through my Facebook feed (a.k.a. the "stalker feed" to some of my friends), just a few minutes ago and I came across this status update from TWLOHA... I was online to post pictures on a prank profile a group of my friends made, I was thinking about "Santa" coming to visit, calculating how late I could stay up tonight and not be zonked on Christmas morning, but this status made me stop for a second.

For some of us, it's hard to imagine a Christmas without family, without presents, without spending time with those we love, without a warm home and good food. We're used to coming home from college to be with family, traveling to visit grandparents, throwing down a few more air mattresses for the 2nd and 3rd cousins, or even spending a quiet Christmas at home... it's familiar. It's Christmas...

...but if all of that were to change would it still feel like Christmas? Would it still even be Christmas?

Well what if you feel like crap this Christmas? What if you're lonely this Christmas? What if a loved one isn't there around the fire--whether they passed away, estranged themselves, or simply can't make it home for this Christmas? What if you feel haunted by memories that won't let go? What if the presents under the tree aren't as big or as numerous this Christmas? What if you just wish you could feel some sort of joy this Christmas?

Is it still Christmas?

We hear about the little Baby Jesus, the sweet virgin Mary, the beautiful angel Gabriel, and the faithful Joseph...

What about the newborn Baby that's finds Himself laid in a feed trough with work animals all around? What about the maiden who's probably been shunned, turned out, hated, misunderstood, and just underwent the weirdest 38 weeks of her entire life? What about the Messenger who got to give the strangest news to the most unnoticed girl in all of Israel... and got to deal with her first reaction? What about the fiancée who must have felt cheated on, shaken, shocked, and then got told it would all be OK and to just go ahead with plans?

Do you think their Christmas was all warm fuzzies? Or was it the hardest days of their lives? That Christmas day marked the start of all history changing... and I think it might have been worth going through some crap, some loneliness, some hurt, some painful memories, and some sleepless nights in order to welcome the King.

Ok, so that was 2000+ years ago. You say, what does that have to do with me now, with the pain I feel now, the memories I can't erase, the way things are broken now, and the abandonment I'm going through now?


When you look at Christmas in light of family, friends, food, fun, and freebies (a.k.a gifts), then you're right... that has nothing to do with what you're feeling now.

And I could just tell you to stop looking at yourself and to go find someone else less fortunate and to focus on what you do have... but that doesn't help for long.

But what about stripping December 25th down to a Baby in a manger... who didn't stay a baby and became the Savior?

If "Christmas" is too hard this year for whatever reason--and that reason doesn't have to seem legitimate to anyone else--then don't strive to feel happy/grateful, to "get over it," or go through with the traditional jam-packed schedule.

If being at home is hard, that's why coffeeshops are open Christmas Eve.

If you're out of good books, check out Google Books.

If you need something to keep yourself busy, check out some of these events.

I think if we stopped commercializing Christmas, stopped making it the biggest day of the year (with the huge letdown on the 26th), and stripped out the extra fluff, Christmas might actually be a lot more enjoyable... for all of us. Even those who don't feel particularly Christmas-y.

what makes your heart cry?

This week has been really hard. It started with taking a test early on Sunday afternoon. Today I had a geography test, a statistics test, an outdoor dance performance in the main plaza of campus, a biology test, a meeting with a physical therapy graduate school advisor, after-school elementary school tutoring, and dance rehearsal/Bible study. I am wiped out!!! Thankfully tomorrow is Thursday and I only have one class in the late afternoon. Then on to the weekend! No class Friday, free all day Saturday and Sunday, and then Monday starts the rat race again... 

So, the reason for this blog post started with Breakaway on Tuesday. I think I may have mentioned Breakaway before, but in case I haven't, Breakaway is a weekly worship night and message that is held in the basketball arena and usually attracts 3,000+ students. The last few weeks we have been talking about sex and dating and the godly way to interact with the opposite gender. This week the topic was on pornography and its affect on how we love one another.

Heavy stuff, but desperately needed. It's one of those topics--like rape, suicide, and a myriad of addictions--that is pushed under the rug and wished away. No one ever mentions pornography and yet it's killing off our generation and dehumanizing the rest...

So, I'm sitting there hearing this amazing talk and trying to hold it all in. You see, this is something that has affected many of my loved ones and I have heard stories of so many of my parents' friends whose marriages have fallen apart because of pornography.

And as I am sitting there it's as if a box of memories on the back shelf of the back room in the warehouse of my mind was dumped on the floor. Memories and conversations and counseling and prayers and emotions that I had locked up for several years. Stuff that I wish I hadn't had to encounter, but glad that I learned what I did about the girls I met and interacted with. My heart is breaking as I am sitting there in a group of both guy and girl friends who really don't even know me that well. 

You see... what do I say? How do I tell my friends that I am sitting there silently bawling not because I am under conviction myself, but because my heart is breaking for one of my friends in particular. How do I explain that I see her face like it was yesterday, I feel her whole body shaking with the uncontrollable sobs of a heart rended by God, and I feel the pain like it was my own? What do I say, how do I explain? You don't. Because you just can't. 

So I come back to my room and try to fall asleep but sleep decided to allude me...for 5 hours. I wake up, head to first class and start my horrifically busy day. And until about 2 hours ago, I have been trying to just survive the day and not think about it. Like I am trying to put all of those memories back in a box, back on the shelf, back in the dark room. 

Because two hours ago I started a skype conversation with a wonderfully amazing friend from Thailand. She and I met officially on a VBS-like trip to Singapore and Malayisa. We fought like sisters, hung out together most of the time, cried together, took tons of crazy pictures, and probably sampled every Starbucks in both Malayisa and Singapore! And reliving all of those memories and seeing where she was when I met her in Tauwau, Malaysia and where God has brought her to now, totally thrilled my heart. There's something about a friend that can put a band-aid on life and make it all better.

You see, I am one of those people who often finds herself in counseling situations or on the other end of a phone or IM conversation with a hurting girl. I love how God challenges me each time I meet another situation, another life, another broken vessel that God wants to put back together so He can shine out through the cracks in her life (2 Cor 4:6-7). But it's hard. It's not fun. But is it worth it? Yes. Totally. Over and over I would gladly sacrifice a few hours of sleep, a few moments in prayer, a few minutes to read a verse with her, or a few months of follow-up accountability. But yet I am often left with memories that will not go away. They get pushed to the side, filed away, but often will return. And it hurts sometimes.

Yet I know that those burdens I feel for my dear sisters in Christ are not carried by me alone. Jehovah-Rapha's (God who heals) heart is crying too. But I know that if in some small way He is able to use some aspect of my life to bring about some part of the work He wants to do in hers, it is all worth it. 

...and so my heart cries. But I am not so sure that it's an entirely bad thing.