Independent Career Woman AND/OR Sweet Romantic Girly-Girl: My thoughts on the endless controversy

When this post originally came out on ThoughtCatalog last month, I gave it a quick read, then laughed and moved on. In subsequent weeks I've had several discussions with co-workers in a similar vein and decided to finally publicly share my thoughts on the matter. This isn't the first time I've struggled with the either/or vs. both/and viewpoint.

Feel free to comment below and share your own thoughts. If you're a girl, do you agree with these 16 thoughts? If you're a guy, do you think us girls are off-base/too worried about it and would you date a girl that viewed herself this way?

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16 Struggles Of Being Both An Independent Woman And A Hopeless Romantic

By: Kim Quindlen

1. A lot of people think the two things are mutually exclusive. You either have to be a doe-eyed romantic stumbling around desperately looking for love, or you have to be a strong, aggressive, ambitious career woman who doesn’t need a man. A lot of people try to tell you, through their actions or their words, that you’re not allowed to be both.

I've never been particularly boy-crazy (ahem!), but even while talking to my closest girl friends I do find it difficult to quickly switch conversation topics from work & careers to talking about their upcoming weddings, husbands, what we're looking for in guys, and asking for advice. 

2. There aren’t a ton of women similar to you represented on the big screen. Sure, there are some. But not enough. Most of the women in the film are portrayed as one-dimensional love interests for men, or cold-hearted, career robots that learn to change and “soften up” when they fall in love. A lot of films make us feel like we can’t have both.

Um... The Devil wears Prada, No Reservations, Legally Blonde, The Wedding Planner, Erin Brockovich, You've Got Mail, and even to some extent Mary Poppins! I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be mildly annoyed at Hollywood's portrayal of career-minded women... but I'm such a sucker for a good romantic comedy!

3. If you manage to have both a stable career and a healthy relationship, people often like to ask you how you do it, as though one of the two things must be suffering because there’s no way to possibly have both.

I'm still working on this one! The semester-from-hell in Spring 2012 where us PT students had 4 full-length semester PT specific classes to manage on top of joining the medical students for their 10-week block neuroscience class (where they only had neuroscience and an ethics class) taught me so much about how I handle stress and relationships. I'd like to think I've grown so much since then... we shall see.

4. You feel bad for enjoying a guilty pleasure novel or TV show or movie every once in a while. If it’s a story primarily about love and not a self-improvement book like Lean In, you feel like you are wasting your time and should be doing something more productive. Sometimes you just want to relax and enjoy silly love stories, but you often have to deal with the annoying guilt you make yourself feel afterwards.

In a recent post on my Facebook timeline about Nicholas Sparks' reported divorce, I wondered if I should even publicly admit to reading all (and owning most) of his books? (May I recommend The Rescue as my favorite) But then again, it's MY Facebook profile and hopefully you won't judge me! To be fair, my to-read list has everything from The World is Flat, to Love My Rifle More Than You, to Margin, to Ally Condie's new YA dystopian book Atlantia.

5. The bar scene can be exhausting. You want to meet a sweet, interesting, and intelligent person – and you want to be yourself – but sometimes you feel pressure to dumb the conversation down just so you’re not scaring them away. You know you shouldn’t hold yourself back, but sometimes you can’t help yourself.

THIS was the conversation I had with one of the Physical Therapy Assistants at work last week. Apparently, in order to not scare off an interested guy, I need to "not act so smart." That seems so backwards to me, and it's honestly hard to do after a full day of working with patients and using every bit of SWAGing (Scientific Wild-Ass Guessing) I possess!

6. You feel stuck in a Catch-22 situation. If you get dolled up and wear a pretty dress and enjoy feeling bright and vibrant, you’re told no one will take you seriously and that guys will just try and sleep with you. But if you try to tone down your appearance and focus more on the conversations you’re having, it feels like guys hardly give you a second look. You’re made to feel like you’re too conservative or too boring or too serious or too something that’s not the right thing.

This is the dilemma I face every Sunday morning staring into my closest trying to pick something to wear to church. And heaven forbid I wear a skirt and cute boots to work!

7. You want to be in love, but you don’t want to have to dumb yourself down to get there. You don’t want to have to worry about your girlfriend or boyfriend or fiancé or husband feeling inadequate if you have a lot of success in your life. You don’t want to feel guilty for that, and you absolutely shouldn't, but sometimes you do.

I often wonder if my doctorate-level education and potential for a very well-paying job is intimidating to other 20-something guys. (Please chime in, ya'll!) But then I remember that I want to give it all up and work in a place where I could be delivering babies because I have more women's health education than most, and in a place where I'll be relying on others for financial support. This current stage of my life does have an expiration date.

8. Some people make you feel like if you put love first, that you’re anti-feminist or you’re too dependent on your man or you don’t care about your career. And it works the other way too. If you put your career in front of your love life, you’re a cold-hearted ice queen who’s going to end up alone. It often feels like guys are respected and admired if they have both a great work life and love life, but if a woman has the same thing, people assume she must be half-assing one of the things because it’s impossible for her to have both.

This is going to be a fun one to navigate...

9. If you want a career and a big family, people give you looks as if you’re crazy. They smirk or smile at you sympathetically, as if to say, that’s cute, sweetheart. Eventually you’ll choose one or the other, though. According to a lot of people, you’re not allowed to have both. You can work for a little while, and after a few years, when things are financially stable, you really should settle down and focus solely on your family.

At some point, I do want to "give up my career" for family. That's been the plan all along, and the reason why I chose a career where I can work part time, weekends, or just on-call. I look forward to discussing this with my guy and seeing what ends up happening if/when I get to be a mother.

10. People make you feel weird or selfish or bossy or demanding for having high standards. Standards like expecting a guy to make an effort to get to know you. Standards like expecting your companion to treat you like your career and your success are just as important and impressive as his. Standards like wanting to have a stable and independent life outside of your relationship.

I am capable of making my own decisions. To the guys who think I'm dragon-guarded (see this post for context only--I'm not saying I agree/disagree with his opinion) and don't want to do my own dirty work, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me and allow me a chance to explain.  I do expect the guy to work for it--nothing valuable "just happens." I also want someone to value all the work I've put in to become who I am and get where I am now.

11. You don’t want to be referred to as the Head Bitch in Charge or the Ditzy Love-Obsessed Hopeful or the Needy Girlfriend. You’re tired of being stereotyped. It’s possible to be a successful, powerful woman who has standards in love. You’re capable of being strong and soft at the same time. And you’re tired of people trying to squeeze you into unflattering and unfair one-dimensional boxes.

At one time or another I've been each of those 3 stereotypes... yikes! But I pride myself in being able to switch quickly from being supportive and your biggest cheerleader to being sensitive and sweet to being competitive and occasionally argumentative. I've been told I have more sides than a perfectly-cut diamond!

12. You run the show, but you still want hearts and flowers. And you don’t think you should have to explain yourself. Just because you work hard and have a well-rounded life and are independent doesn’t mean you should have to apologize for wanting to experience romance with your companion. And yet if you give off the vibe of being a talented, successful woman, guys often make the mistake of thinking you want nothing to do with date nights and sweet surprises and cute text messages.

I do not want to have to tell a guy that I need romance. This girl gets a kick out of sweet stuff like that! (And about 30 minutes later you know I'm gonna call up or text my girl friends to go "gaga" over it!)

13. You sometimes feel like you have to keep these two different parts of yourself separate. At work and in your independent life you have to be one way, and in your romantic life you can be another way. But you feel the need to keep your love life quiet at work for fear of not being taken seriously, and you sometimes feel like there’s no room to talk about your work life in your relationship without boring or intimidating your partner.

Sometimes the best part of my day is clocking out and sliding into my car for the drive home with the windows down and a mixCD or Spotify playlist of "Hopeless Romantic" songs. But all too often I bring my work home and I need to vent about a particularly frustrating event or tell someone how excited I was about the tiniest improvement my post-stroke patient demonstrated today! If you spend any time with me, get used to learning all the physical therapy lingo--I talk about work a lot. But maybe that's more because I love what I do and not necessarily because I'm a workaholic.

14. You want your partner to treat you both as a strong, impressive, intelligent woman, but you also want them to be gentle and loving and complimentary and smitten with you. But a lot of the times, they only seem capable of treating you one way or the other.

I have a lot of people who only want to get to know me for free advice (if I have to answer another "how do I get rid of shin splints" question, I might just scream! Just go read this from MoveForwardPT.) I need a mix of "damn, you really know your stuff!" and sweet, sensitive compliments.

15. You’re afraid of looking weak or vulnerable. But at the same time, the point of having a relationship is having someone you can be weak and vulnerable with. You’ve spent your whole life relying on yourself and working hard to get where you are. You’ve always depended on yourself, and even though you know you want to share your life with someone else, the idea of giving someone else the chance to hurt you and affect you so deeply is extremely scary.

I've gotten to where I am now because of my incredible family and friends, my parents' undying love and support, a very patient and wonderful God, and a fabulous mix of professors, study partners, and mentors. You'll never hear me laud my own accomplishments without a lengthy "acknowledgements" section. But be gentle with me and allow me to let you in at my own pace. Trust me, it's gonna be worth it.

16. When either one of these sides of you is going through something tough, you turn to chocolate. And, for some reason, chocolate is still not fat free, nor is it zero calories. And that is probably the biggest struggle of all. 

*gasp* someone must have told this article's author about my chocolate drawer... um, make that chocolate drawers!

"I didn't Know What I Needed"

Good stuff from Boundless:


Orignal post (Suzanne's side)
Original post #2 (Kevin's side)

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4: I Didn't Know What I Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/20/2011 at 7:30 AM

This may be more of a girl thing, but have you ever said a sentence that begins: "I need someone who …"? Since high school I had an unwritten list like this.

"I need someone who makes me laugh."

"I need someone who I can have deep conversations with."

"I need someone who's a strong leader."

I suppose I was right about some of them. But I was wrong about others. One that you would hear me say again and again was, "I need someone who will draw me out and get me to talk about what I'm thinking."

I was absolutely convinced of this one. Often when I would meet a guy it would take me several interactions with him before I would really open up and be myself. Some guys who didn't really attempt to draw me out would never get a glimpse of who I was. If they did get to know me, they would often say that their first impression about me was false (and usually negative). So it made sense that my future mate would need to possess the ability to get me to open up. I told people often that this was the kind of guy I needed.

Well, you may have already guessed where this is going, but Kevin is not that kind of person. Not at all. He does make me laugh. I can have deep conversations with him. He is a strong leader. But he does not draw me out. (I touched on this in my post about conversational narcissism.)

Turns out I didn't need that … or at least God didn't think so. But there's something odd that has happened as a result of being married to a person who does not draw me out. I have learned to not keep my opinions and feelings under lock and key, waiting for the other person to fish for them. I've learned that sometimes I need to volunteer the information. I've discovered that perhaps my motive in desiring that the other person draw me out was pride--I believed I was important enough that someone should be interested in what I thought. Interested enough to coax it out of me.

My husband does work on asking me questions, because he knows it makes me feel cared for. But he is not the "spotlight-on-Suzanne" spouse that I once imagined. And that's a good thing. I didn't know what I needed.

And then there are things about him that I needed desperately but had no idea about. For example, he is never critical of my mistakes. Because I am very critical of my own mistakes, this is an affirming quality that helps me be my best. I am so thankful that my wise heavenly Father knew I needed this and gave it to me through Kevin.

If you are single and find yourself frequently saying, "I need someone who …", hold loosely to those things. You may need them, but you may not. Only God knows what you really need. And sometimes not getting what you think you need helps you grow into a better person. I love the verse that says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). The One who knows what we need has the resources to provide it. And He does so generously.

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4.5: Kevin Didn't Know What He Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/29/2011 at 3:34 PM

In my last post "I Didn't Know What I Needed," someone asked if I could get my husband, Kevin, to weigh in. I'm guessing the person who asked was female. Because when I asked Kevin if there was anything he thought he needed that I didn't fulfill, he seemed baffled by the question. "What do you mean?"

So I tried to explain it, and finally he thought of something. Kevin knew as a teen that he wanted to be a pastor, so this "need" is a bit specific to ministry life:

I thought I needed someone who was super-supportive. Suzanne is super-supportive, but not in the way I expected. To me "super-supportive" meant a stay-at-home wife who would take care of the kids, host dinner parties, show up at meetings. As I grew up spending time with different pastors, that's what I saw. To be effective, I thought I had to have a wife whose job was to be my right-hand man.

I thought I needed someone who was immersed in my calling. What I didn't realize was that my wife could be immersed in her calling and still supportive of mine. Growing up in a Christian home, you're told a wife should be submissive and she needs to be supportive. That's why career women can be scary, because they have their own agenda and own thing going on.

But we use Suzanne's talents and abilities in what I do, and we use my talents and abilities in what she does. It makes us more dynamic as a couple because we utilize each other's skills. We're like a dynamic duo — like Batman and Robin rather than Batman with Alfred back at home (I think guys will get that analogy).

When I asked him if there was anything that he didn't know he needed that I brought to the table, he talked about encouragement:

Encourager was never on my top 10 list. I'm someone who when I get into a project I'll go full force, but sometimes I need someone to help me get started. I need someone to say "You can do it," to get going. Suzanne has that quality.

And I wouldn't have said I needed someone who was willing to point things out — the good the bad and the ugly. That's something most people say they appreciate in their spouse after marriage, but it's not something they think about needing prior to marriage. But it really helps you grow as a person.

So there you have it. A guy's perspective. It seems in Kevin's case, he didn't ever think in terms of, "I need someone who ... " The things he believed he needed arose more in the form of expectations (maybe that he didn't even know existed) of what his future wife would be like. Because his mom is a gifted homemaker, he pictured being married to that kind of woman. Because many pastors' wives function in behind-the-scenes support roles, he imagined his wife would probably be this way. Clearly, we are thankful that God had something else in mind. As Kevin said, we are a dynamic couple, and it's exciting to see the things the Lord has planned for us to do together.

So guys ... any thoughts on expectations? The Batman and Robin analogy? Career women being scary because they have their own thing going? The floor is yours. (Comments from women welcome, also.)

What have you been telling the Lord you think need in a future spouse? What would you say if He instead gave you what He knows you need?

REBLOG: Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

She's got some good stuff to say...

Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

by laurennicolelove.com

"Why don't you date him? He's a good guy."

"Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk."

"Go on a few dates. Just because he isn't a Christian doesn't mean he will be a bad boyfriend."

"God can change people. Maybe he's the one. You can make it work.”

"We're just hanging out, it's not serious. It won't go anywhere."

"You're not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes."

I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a "non-believer," much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I've dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I'm sleeping with one that I'm not even dating.

No girl wakes up and says to herself, "I'm gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I'd never marry today" or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn't. And you probably didn't, but both of those things happen to us.

“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren't supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You've been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It's just going out for a drink - that isn't committing to a relationship. Cuddling as 'friends' isn't wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years - be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.” 

I don't know how it happened to you, but that's a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.

Why did it happen? Because we're human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we're built for relationships, but we're born broken.

And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We're told the No's without the Yes's. We're given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.

As Christian girls, we're told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses (which it will), we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?

We say, "What the hell." And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.

This is what I didn't know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.

This is what I didn't know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.

This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn't have or couldn't find.

This is why you can't date a man who doesn't love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.

- Because Love isn't enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can't fully respect a man who doesn't have God as his number one priority. If you don't respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don't respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.

- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst - we just set it for now.Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn't love God with his whole heart, I can't be assured that what I'm comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can't have faith in a man who doesn't have faith. I can't strengthen the faith of a man who doesn't have any to begin with. 

- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn't love Jesus doesn't know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You're lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part - that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is "the God part." No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you - he sees a different woman. 

- You need an anchor. One day you're going to fall apart. And you're going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn't know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not.Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.” 

- When you've made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You're choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can't make it through the battle if he's seeing differently than you are. And you can't live with someone you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.

- He can't love you to the best of his ability if he doesn't love Jesus. I'm talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world's definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it.God created marriage as an image of Jesus' relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.

- You can't marry them, so why date them? Let's say you've already decided you won't marry a non-Christian - but what's wrong with "just" dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn't, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)
It hurts. It's hard. You love him.

I'm not telling you to leave him because you're sinning, I'm telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever. 

Read this...

The Economy of Words from A Deeper Story

Followup to "stop looking"...

courtesy of iamblessed

Ok, so I got a few comments via text and email about my post yesterday. Let me just say that my blog is not just a space for me to vent, I do appreciate your comments--whether posted here or sent to me personally--that is kind of the point. As I told a friend yesterday, I like my posts to be pointed, yet classy. And I like to make you think. As always, I find all sorts of random stuff on the internet and only reblog a post, upload a quote, or recommend you follow a blog if it's something that caught my eye. That doesn't mean you'll always agree with my point of view or that I'm right, so please don't take my word for anything. And as I told someone last night, there's usually always a back story. So if something I post doesn't make sense or seems off the wall or purposely vague, just shoot me an email, leave me a comment, or call me.... I might just tell you the reason for that post.

And H____, you are right; sometimes I post something just to vent and see if I'm the only one out there that thinks that way. Again, it doesn't mean I'm right, but after all.... You're the one choosing to read it!

stop looking...

What do you think?

I *love* how people say that the moment they stopped killing themselves to get good grades, God blessed them with all As. Or the moment they stopped worrying about getting a job after graduation, God provided a perfect opportunity. Or--my favorite-- the moment they stopped looking for a guy, wishing for a relationship, or planning out their future, God brought along a wonderful young man.

Ok, that's all well and good. But as we all know, correlation DOES NOT equal causation.

Obviously, God will not be treated like a vending machine; I do X, and He WILL do Y.

Ok maybe some people stop looking and stop worrying is because they have better things to do, they realize it's futile to worry over stuff outside their control, and because they remember the world WILL go on even if they don't get that grade, that job, or that guy. And so when that magical thing does happen, they think, "well, I stopped worrying and look what God did!"

Um, maybe I'm gonna stop looking and worrying because I'm too tired to. If His wants to give me a 4.0 summer, a good job after graduation, or bring that guy along sometime soon, that'd be wonderful. But I don't want to look back and see that MY actions persuaded God to give me what I want.

Watch this video...

OK, so I have no idea who this guy is, but I found this video shared on my friend's Facebook profile.

This guy has a lot of incredible things to say. Just give it a listen. Please.

I wish I had the courage to say what he does. He wrote this for an open mic night at Pacific University, then obviously recorded it on a busy street in the not-so-good part of town with everyday people walking by... and yet I can't say anything to my close friends, classmates, and lab partners...



(discretion advised, he talks pretty openly)

"Can I be your lead balloon?"

Ever wanted to pull someone back down to earth?

Ever felt like someone's gonna get their heart broken because their head's in the clouds?

Ever thought that someone has no idea what they're getting themselves into?

Ever wanted to be someone's lead balloon?

I sure have.

Maybe it's because I feel like it's my duty to help my good girl friends out when their hearts are so tangled up, when their heads are full of imaginings, and when their eyes only see the wonderful aspects of some guy.

I guess I did actually learn something from a book I read last summer. Check out the full blog post here. But this book made me realize that one of the most destructive thing I can do for a dear friend is encourage her fantasies, ask her "is he cute?" before anything else, and get all giggly when she tells me "see, there's this guy..." Ok, ok... it's fun to do. It's kind of payback for when those friends have done that to us, but seriously... is that in any way helpful?

Ok, before ya'll decide I'm crazy, let me explain that I mean it might be good to be a lead balloon for a friend when she's in the very beginning of a relationship. Then transition to an advisory/prayer warrior role while she's in the relationship. Then her biggest cheerleader when she makes that final commitment of marriage. But  sometimes us girls boost up an imagination, a crush, or an unhealthy/ungodly relationship just because we feel like its her choice and we should just be there for her whatever she decides. (on a very rabbit trail soapbox, that very same line of thinking can be super destructive when it comes to a friend/significant other considering an abortion)

I have a good friend who has been interested in a guy for a few months, and recently she believes that he's showing her a bit more attention and perhaps likes her. I remember when another girl and I felt that he liked us both at some point last year because of Facebook posts he'd left on our walls, verses he'd emailed/texted to us, and how he treated us like sisters. I tried to tell my friend that he'd acted similarly to us last year, but she didn't really seem to listen. And every time this friend gets an invite for a movie night, game night, or dinner at the dining hall, she feels like he's even more interested in her.

I just tell her, "I'm glad you're happy, and he is a very nice guy. But he hasn't told you explicitly that he like you--and until he does, you could be setting yourself up for heartache. And if you keep reciprocating, you're not pushing him to actually ever tell you his intentions... he needs to step out on a limb and ask you out. Right now it's all in limbo."

And I see the other girls around her fall into one of two categories. Like me, they're concerned about how over the moon she is, with very little confirmation on his end. Or they're the typical, "OMG, that's so cool! What exactly did he say? Has he called you back? What are you gonna wear?"

I don't know... I'm tired of being on her bad side and getting the "I was happy for you, why can't you just be happy for me" response. But I really hate picking up the pieces of my friends' hearts when guys (good and bad) break them. And unless I'm her lead balloon, who else will?

Actually, it might not be a bad thing to be known as "Katie Farr, L.B."

Any other girls out there willing to be a lead balloon for their good friends?

Ready... or lonely?

(from satelliteofyou.tumblr.com)

I think I've said something similar to this to at least three different girls in the last two days.

What is it with being lonely and automatically assuming that falling in love will solve that loneliness? Yes, being lonely sucks.

But why, oh why do we girls force ourselves to find a guy, force ourselves to wonder if he could be the guy, and force ourselves to be overly excited about something so simple as saying hi to a nice guy in class? Why do we do this to ourselves instead of waiting for our heart to be ready. Instead of waiting for life to be ready. Instead of waiting for him to be ready. Instead of waiting for God's path to be ready. Why do we force it?

Here are some of my loneliness busters... I'm the type of person to--instead of focusing on me--find ways to work with others. Which is all well and good until I realize that I have just been making busyness a loneliness buster in and of itself... and who needs to be even more busy?

I love my espresso maker--foamed milk is the best.
I love falling asleep in the sun--catching the last rays of warm summer.
I love journaling--being forced to come up with words and attempting to lay events out in a sensible manner helps things make sense.
I love working out--hearing your headbeat in your head makes it hard to focus on anything else.
I love girlie movies--anything from Twilight to Pride & Prejudice.
I love blood-n-guts war movies--it's hard not to laugh at the gratuitous amount of fake blood and incorrectly treated injuries.
I love my laptop--some would argue I love it too much.
I love quietness--gives my mind a chance to actually stop and sit still.
I love my Bible--underlined and highlighted in so strange a manner that no one else could decipher the system, but it's worth the world to me.

What does your heart do when it's lonely?

Relationships Part 3 - Emotional Purity

Over the last two weeks I've been reading "Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart" by Heather Paulsen. I opened the book with a bit of trepidation, but as it was highly recommended, I decided to give it a shot... and I soon found myself underlining passages here and there. I'd recommend it as a wonderful quick read (it's only 153 pages long) that will give you a lot to think about and cause you to view guy/girl interactions in a new light.

She starts out with a fictional couple's story--how it started out so well and began quite harmlessly between two Christian friends, yet ended in real pain to both parties--and ties all of the book chapters back to that story. When I read the story again after reading the book I saw red flags all throughout the relationship--many of them red flags I hadn't seen the first time.

Here are some of my favorite phrases and quotes that just got me thinking...

"Keep in mind that God created marriage to be an example of the relationship between Christ, the Bridegroom, and the church, His bride. God wants the relationship between a husband and wife to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church: Since marriage begins at the commitment level, we need to line up friendship, dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage with God's depiction. Why should our path toward earthly marriage look or act differently? Our path should be commitment then intimacy." (page 58)


"Many of you would say that friendship is important in marriage, and I would wholeheartedly agree, but are you an intimate friend with Christ before you make a commitment? No! You grow into a deeply intimate friendship with Christ after you make a commitment. Why do we allow ourselves to think that God would be pleased with dating, friendship, courtships, or marriages here on earth that look different than His design for our walk with Him?" (page 61-62)


"Only after we enter into a lifelong commitment with God may we come into the Most Holy Place of intimacy with Him. Step one: a lifelong commitment. Step two: intimacy. It is impossible to love Him before step one, and He does not let us get to know Him personally before the commitment." (page 63)

"Commitment equals protection." (page 64)


"The need for a marriage partner is gone when emotions are freely bestowed on anyone who comes along. I hope my future husband will be starving for female attention. If other girlfriends have filled in my place, my husband won't be longing for me. But if he waits until God introduces us, he will be lonely for female attention and companionship and will appreciate me a great deal more." (page 65)

"Do you fear being single the rest of your life? Or do you fear being in a marriage not ordained by God?" (page 73)

"Next to salvation, your choice of a mate is the biggest decision of your life. God is not going to leave you hanging." (page 80)

"[Tracy] opened up to Mike (two characters is the fictional account she opens the book with) beyond her comfort level in hopes of being more attractive to him, thereby putting her timing above God's timing." (page 86)

She also quoted from a TV show where Dr. Laura Schlessinger was a special guest on the topic of marital affairs and couples who had emotional relationships with others besides their partners. Dr. Laura summarized her feelings on the matter this way:
"Intimacy is not just about physical encounters. When someone shares feelings, secrets, desires, flirts or flatters, or even places himself or herself in a compromising situation, you are being intimate. The final analysis: all forms of intimacy should be reserved for the marital relationship or else you are taking something away. Something that belongs to the spouse and giving it away to someone else. That wasn't what the vows were about.
The ultimate deterrent to all of this is a strong set of moral values, rules, and standards. These keep you from even taking the first step. Because, for sure if you don't take that first step, then you won't be there to take that final fatal step." (page 137)

Relationships Part 2 - "Ezer"

I just finished "Captivating" the day before I left for Africa. It's taken me since last November to get through... partly because the guided journal chapters are so long, I never seemed to have enough God/coffee-mornings-when-I-wasn't-sleeping-in, and I'm plain lazy. :-)

One point the authors kept coming back to again and again was the importance of women. The God-created dire need in a man's life for a woman...  Let me quote some from "Captivating;"

...She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth--all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture--we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. "It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]" (Gen 2:18, Alter). Hebrew Scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is "notoriously difficult to translate." The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him."

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. [for a complete list click here]And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately. 

"There is no one like the God of Jerusalem, who rides on the heavens to help you..."

"May the LORD answer you when you are in distress, may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help." (Ps 20:1-2) 

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. 

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life... God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your missions is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger...

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. he does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place. (From Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stacy Eldredge, pages 31-33)

See, I react when people say that as women, all we are to do is to "help our husbands." But they don't have any specifics--any particular ways their husbands need help. They often view themselves as extensions of their husbands, seeing the world through his eyes and helping him live out his dreams. And I think those women are missing out on what we are called to do.

We were NOT created to be just accessories. We are needed. Those who are married are desperatley needed by their husbands; those of us who are single may discover a man's need once they have begun a relationship. If a husband could do everything he's supposed to without any help or anyone alongside him, then God would not have created an ezer kenegdo for him. There would be no need for a wife, she would be just an extra.

I can't count the number of times that older women have told me that I'm supposed to prepare to be his "help meet." But what on earth does that look like? If my man desperately needs me then I must be able to stand beside him and lift up his hands (Exodus 17:12), help complete his work (Nehemiah 3:12), and remind him of God's dreams for our little family.

My dad's been amazing to teach me a lot of stuff that I didn't think I'll ever really need to know...  but he's training me to be able to come alongside and be an ezer kenegdo. More than changing a tire, balancing a checkbook,  or hanging wallpaper, he's taught (and is still teaching) me how to help people with their personal growth, be a leader that people want to follow, develop a business plan, pursue wise money management and investing principles, stay under the authority of a person I don't agree with or sometimes even respect, recognize my own personality strengths and spiritual gifts and build a team around me to accomplish a common goal, and  do what I know is right--even when no one else understands, let alone agrees.

We are to be more than companions--companionship can be bought. We are to be more than buddies--that's seen often enough when the guys get together for Monday night football or a cookout. We are to be more than a soft, feminine addition to his life--beauty fades so fast. We are to be more than confidants--the is best seen in a close "band of brothers" we pray he already has. We are to be more than helpers--he can hire an accountant, a baby sitter, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur... we are more than an extra set of hands... we are to be his "sustainer beside him."

What are you doing right now to become a sustainer? Who are you sustaining right now? It won't magically start once you've said "I do." Are you sustaining friends in prayer? Are you sustaining your mother with her full workload at home or your father at work? What can you do to lift up the hands of someone in need, be there in the nick of time, and--in a sense--allow them to realize, "What on earth did I do without her before?" THAT woman is an ezer kenegdo.

Relationships Part 1

God's been teaching me a lot about relationships recently, and it seems like He has more up His sleeve to teach me. I'm learning what godly relationships look like and what they should look like (which are often two different things), how a single girl's supposed to live when she's getting the "Wait" from God, and doing some internal reflection and realignment with the Bible.

I'm reading several good books right now and some of what I'll blog about will come from there. I've found some of these books from Amazon.com suggestions, borrowing from friends, friends' mother's recommendations, and conversations with girls in the same stage in life.

So, anyway, that's an intro to these next couple blog posts. Remember, this is what God is teaching me and what I am seeking to do with my relationships, not hard and fast rules for myself or anyone else! I am always open for questions, challenges, and thoughtful advice... :-)

no need to settle...

I found this picture from a girl's blog and I knew I needed to pass it on!

How many times a day do we settle???

We settle with wearing comfortable clothes instead of something that's cute but might take some time to iron.

We settle with leaving in the earrings from yesterday instead of taking the effort to find a pair in the mess of the jewelry box.

We settle for whatever cereal is the easiest to get out instead of searching for those elusive rice crispies.

We settle for being slightly cold instead of going back inside to get a jacket.

We settle for whatever song plays next on our iPod instead of finding the one we want.

We settle for just smiling at people we pass by instead of saying hello.

We settle for being 2 minutes late to class... it doesn't count that you're late if the professor hasn't walked in yet.

We settle for the quick option for lunch instead of waiting in line for the hot Chik-fil-A fries at the campus food court.

We settle for parking the bike wherever is closest instead of putting it back where it's usually parked... and then spend ten minutes trying to find it the next day.

We settle for going to a church that has a later service instead of good Bible teaching... that extra 2 hours of sleep is more important.

We settle for friends who make us feel good instead of friends who will tell us the truth to our face.

We settle for 3rd deck football tickets instead of getting up early and waiting in line to pull a good seat for the game.

We settle for wearing stuff that the mall sells instead of clothes that are modest as well as cute... even though we know it makes it harder for our Christian brothers.

We settle into casual dating relationships with no intention of real commitment instead of holding out for God's best--our Prince Charming.

There's no need to be satisfied with second-rate, second-best options! Stay strong! God wants to give you His best! Girls, I beg you not to settle!