"I didn't Know What I Needed"

Good stuff from Boundless:


Orignal post (Suzanne's side)
Original post #2 (Kevin's side)

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4: I Didn't Know What I Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/20/2011 at 7:30 AM

This may be more of a girl thing, but have you ever said a sentence that begins: "I need someone who …"? Since high school I had an unwritten list like this.

"I need someone who makes me laugh."

"I need someone who I can have deep conversations with."

"I need someone who's a strong leader."

I suppose I was right about some of them. But I was wrong about others. One that you would hear me say again and again was, "I need someone who will draw me out and get me to talk about what I'm thinking."

I was absolutely convinced of this one. Often when I would meet a guy it would take me several interactions with him before I would really open up and be myself. Some guys who didn't really attempt to draw me out would never get a glimpse of who I was. If they did get to know me, they would often say that their first impression about me was false (and usually negative). So it made sense that my future mate would need to possess the ability to get me to open up. I told people often that this was the kind of guy I needed.

Well, you may have already guessed where this is going, but Kevin is not that kind of person. Not at all. He does make me laugh. I can have deep conversations with him. He is a strong leader. But he does not draw me out. (I touched on this in my post about conversational narcissism.)

Turns out I didn't need that … or at least God didn't think so. But there's something odd that has happened as a result of being married to a person who does not draw me out. I have learned to not keep my opinions and feelings under lock and key, waiting for the other person to fish for them. I've learned that sometimes I need to volunteer the information. I've discovered that perhaps my motive in desiring that the other person draw me out was pride--I believed I was important enough that someone should be interested in what I thought. Interested enough to coax it out of me.

My husband does work on asking me questions, because he knows it makes me feel cared for. But he is not the "spotlight-on-Suzanne" spouse that I once imagined. And that's a good thing. I didn't know what I needed.

And then there are things about him that I needed desperately but had no idea about. For example, he is never critical of my mistakes. Because I am very critical of my own mistakes, this is an affirming quality that helps me be my best. I am so thankful that my wise heavenly Father knew I needed this and gave it to me through Kevin.

If you are single and find yourself frequently saying, "I need someone who …", hold loosely to those things. You may need them, but you may not. Only God knows what you really need. And sometimes not getting what you think you need helps you grow into a better person. I love the verse that says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). The One who knows what we need has the resources to provide it. And He does so generously.

New Wife and Mom Insight No. 4.5: Kevin Didn't Know What He Needed

by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 06/29/2011 at 3:34 PM

In my last post "I Didn't Know What I Needed," someone asked if I could get my husband, Kevin, to weigh in. I'm guessing the person who asked was female. Because when I asked Kevin if there was anything he thought he needed that I didn't fulfill, he seemed baffled by the question. "What do you mean?"

So I tried to explain it, and finally he thought of something. Kevin knew as a teen that he wanted to be a pastor, so this "need" is a bit specific to ministry life:

I thought I needed someone who was super-supportive. Suzanne is super-supportive, but not in the way I expected. To me "super-supportive" meant a stay-at-home wife who would take care of the kids, host dinner parties, show up at meetings. As I grew up spending time with different pastors, that's what I saw. To be effective, I thought I had to have a wife whose job was to be my right-hand man.

I thought I needed someone who was immersed in my calling. What I didn't realize was that my wife could be immersed in her calling and still supportive of mine. Growing up in a Christian home, you're told a wife should be submissive and she needs to be supportive. That's why career women can be scary, because they have their own agenda and own thing going on.

But we use Suzanne's talents and abilities in what I do, and we use my talents and abilities in what she does. It makes us more dynamic as a couple because we utilize each other's skills. We're like a dynamic duo — like Batman and Robin rather than Batman with Alfred back at home (I think guys will get that analogy).

When I asked him if there was anything that he didn't know he needed that I brought to the table, he talked about encouragement:

Encourager was never on my top 10 list. I'm someone who when I get into a project I'll go full force, but sometimes I need someone to help me get started. I need someone to say "You can do it," to get going. Suzanne has that quality.

And I wouldn't have said I needed someone who was willing to point things out — the good the bad and the ugly. That's something most people say they appreciate in their spouse after marriage, but it's not something they think about needing prior to marriage. But it really helps you grow as a person.

So there you have it. A guy's perspective. It seems in Kevin's case, he didn't ever think in terms of, "I need someone who ... " The things he believed he needed arose more in the form of expectations (maybe that he didn't even know existed) of what his future wife would be like. Because his mom is a gifted homemaker, he pictured being married to that kind of woman. Because many pastors' wives function in behind-the-scenes support roles, he imagined his wife would probably be this way. Clearly, we are thankful that God had something else in mind. As Kevin said, we are a dynamic couple, and it's exciting to see the things the Lord has planned for us to do together.

So guys ... any thoughts on expectations? The Batman and Robin analogy? Career women being scary because they have their own thing going? The floor is yours. (Comments from women welcome, also.)

What have you been telling the Lord you think need in a future spouse? What would you say if He instead gave you what He knows you need?

REBLOG: Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

She's got some good stuff to say...

Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

by laurennicolelove.com

"Why don't you date him? He's a good guy."

"Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk."

"Go on a few dates. Just because he isn't a Christian doesn't mean he will be a bad boyfriend."

"God can change people. Maybe he's the one. You can make it work.”

"We're just hanging out, it's not serious. It won't go anywhere."

"You're not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes."

I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a "non-believer," much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I've dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I'm sleeping with one that I'm not even dating.

No girl wakes up and says to herself, "I'm gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I'd never marry today" or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn't. And you probably didn't, but both of those things happen to us.

“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren't supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You've been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It's just going out for a drink - that isn't committing to a relationship. Cuddling as 'friends' isn't wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years - be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.” 

I don't know how it happened to you, but that's a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.

Why did it happen? Because we're human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we're built for relationships, but we're born broken.

And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We're told the No's without the Yes's. We're given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.

As Christian girls, we're told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses (which it will), we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?

We say, "What the hell." And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.

This is what I didn't know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.

This is what I didn't know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.

This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn't have or couldn't find.

This is why you can't date a man who doesn't love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.

- Because Love isn't enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can't fully respect a man who doesn't have God as his number one priority. If you don't respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don't respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.

- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst - we just set it for now.Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn't love God with his whole heart, I can't be assured that what I'm comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can't have faith in a man who doesn't have faith. I can't strengthen the faith of a man who doesn't have any to begin with. 

- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn't love Jesus doesn't know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You're lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part - that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is "the God part." No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you - he sees a different woman. 

- You need an anchor. One day you're going to fall apart. And you're going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn't know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not.Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.” 

- When you've made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You're choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can't make it through the battle if he's seeing differently than you are. And you can't live with someone you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.

- He can't love you to the best of his ability if he doesn't love Jesus. I'm talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world's definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it.God created marriage as an image of Jesus' relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.

- You can't marry them, so why date them? Let's say you've already decided you won't marry a non-Christian - but what's wrong with "just" dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn't, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)
It hurts. It's hard. You love him.

I'm not telling you to leave him because you're sinning, I'm telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever. 

So true...

I can really relate to this post... All Mixed Together

"Can I be your lead balloon?"

Ever wanted to pull someone back down to earth?

Ever felt like someone's gonna get their heart broken because their head's in the clouds?

Ever thought that someone has no idea what they're getting themselves into?

Ever wanted to be someone's lead balloon?

I sure have.

Maybe it's because I feel like it's my duty to help my good girl friends out when their hearts are so tangled up, when their heads are full of imaginings, and when their eyes only see the wonderful aspects of some guy.

I guess I did actually learn something from a book I read last summer. Check out the full blog post here. But this book made me realize that one of the most destructive thing I can do for a dear friend is encourage her fantasies, ask her "is he cute?" before anything else, and get all giggly when she tells me "see, there's this guy..." Ok, ok... it's fun to do. It's kind of payback for when those friends have done that to us, but seriously... is that in any way helpful?

Ok, before ya'll decide I'm crazy, let me explain that I mean it might be good to be a lead balloon for a friend when she's in the very beginning of a relationship. Then transition to an advisory/prayer warrior role while she's in the relationship. Then her biggest cheerleader when she makes that final commitment of marriage. But  sometimes us girls boost up an imagination, a crush, or an unhealthy/ungodly relationship just because we feel like its her choice and we should just be there for her whatever she decides. (on a very rabbit trail soapbox, that very same line of thinking can be super destructive when it comes to a friend/significant other considering an abortion)

I have a good friend who has been interested in a guy for a few months, and recently she believes that he's showing her a bit more attention and perhaps likes her. I remember when another girl and I felt that he liked us both at some point last year because of Facebook posts he'd left on our walls, verses he'd emailed/texted to us, and how he treated us like sisters. I tried to tell my friend that he'd acted similarly to us last year, but she didn't really seem to listen. And every time this friend gets an invite for a movie night, game night, or dinner at the dining hall, she feels like he's even more interested in her.

I just tell her, "I'm glad you're happy, and he is a very nice guy. But he hasn't told you explicitly that he like you--and until he does, you could be setting yourself up for heartache. And if you keep reciprocating, you're not pushing him to actually ever tell you his intentions... he needs to step out on a limb and ask you out. Right now it's all in limbo."

And I see the other girls around her fall into one of two categories. Like me, they're concerned about how over the moon she is, with very little confirmation on his end. Or they're the typical, "OMG, that's so cool! What exactly did he say? Has he called you back? What are you gonna wear?"

I don't know... I'm tired of being on her bad side and getting the "I was happy for you, why can't you just be happy for me" response. But I really hate picking up the pieces of my friends' hearts when guys (good and bad) break them. And unless I'm her lead balloon, who else will?

Actually, it might not be a bad thing to be known as "Katie Farr, L.B."

Any other girls out there willing to be a lead balloon for their good friends?

Passion2011 Ft. Worth...

Passion was amazing!

Four of us left from College Station (me, Melissa, Jonathan, and John) and we met up with Peter in Coppell where we stayed with a sweet family that my family met in homeschool group when we used to live there (2001-2005). We quickly made sandwiches to go, dropped our bags off, and hit the road to Ft. Worth!

I knew there would be a lot of students there, but I wasn't expecting 10,000+ students and over 1,000 volunteers!

courtesy of 268blog.com

courtesy of 268blog.com

Worship was amazing! Chris Tomlin, Charlie Hall, Kristian Stanfill, Christy Nockels, and David Crowder*Band!

courtesy of 268blog.com

David Crowder

courtesy of 268blog.com

Chris Tomlin

Christy Nockel's "Carry Your Name"

I wasn't really a big fan of the David Crowder*Band until I saw their "Shine" music video a few months ago...

So, Friday night, first session. We're singing "Shadows" and all of a sudden Lecrae runs out on stage and starts rapping in the middle of the song! :) Gotta love CCM meeting Christian rap!

courtesy of 268blog.com

Friday night was a David Crowder*Band and Lecrae concert... so epic! But by the time we got out of there about 1am we were all pretty hungry, so we stopped at Denny's for their $4.99 Grand Slam! :)

Saturday morning I kick-started my day with coffee and then we stopped at Target for Melissa to grab a mocha and for all of us to buy towels/socks. A big part of Passion is doing something for the community and around the world. Every participant was asked to bring a towel and a package of socks to restock the shelves of Ft. Worth homeless shelters.

courtesy of 268blog.com

We started off the morning in our "Community Groups". Mine was orange and I met up with my "family" that I'd met last night. We spent some time digging into Philippians 2, discussing what we'd learned from the night before, and praying. 

My "family"

Then main session, more worship, and Francis Chan speaking. I'd only heard of Francis because a friend recommended his book "Crazy Love" (which I am just now reading). But this guy was amazing! At one point he was so overwhelmed with wanting us all to fall in love with Jesus like he has that he broke down at the podium... all 11,000+ of us are like "ummmmm...." but it was really cool.

courtesy of 268blog.com

Lunch was out on the grass behind the convention center (we're over on the very far right if you really zoom in!) 

courtesy of 268blog.com

The afternoon main session is where we learned about the main cause that Passion2011 Ft. Worth was working for: raising $220,000 to support a 5-person team to translate 90 Bible stories into the language of the Koso people in Mali, West Africa. The video they showed us was just incredible... wow... that session got to me.

Dinner break during which we wandered through the "Do Something Now" area to learn more about the Koso people, see all the towels/socks ready to be donated, give money to the translation project, pray for the Koso people, and sign up for more information about short term missions opportunities around the world. 

courtesy of 268blog.com

all the people waiting to donate!!!

courtesy of 268blog.com

Then dinner. Thanks to Melissa's iPhone we found a Dickey's BBQ, another Target for its Starbucks, and an elusive McDonald's for a $1 dose of caffeine--we never found that McDonald's in the midst of random 1-way streets in downtown Ft. Worth.

Then back for another main session: John Piper this time. (That guy is way over my head) 

This time we were asleep at a more decent hour. :)

Sunday morning also started out with gratutitous amounts of coffee, devotions with our "families", and more incredible worship!

We said goodbye to people, met up with John and his luggage, found a CiCi's pizza (and a Starbucks for a venti sugar-free vanilla iced coffee for me), and got on the road back to College Station. Then a stop in West, Texas for kolaches.

We listened to the CD that was recorded at Passion2011 Atlanta all the way home and I will say that after singing those songs live I will never think of them in the same way! You should definintely buy it... like I mean, you HAVE to buy it! 

We got back to town about 7pm, dropped everyone off at their dorms or cars... and 10 minutes later I was on the way to the ER with my roommate. We finally got back to the dorm about 3am... 

What a weekend!

courtesy of 268blog.com

(Did I mention that I drove basically the whole way there, back and forth from Coppell to Ft. Worth, and all the way home?)

Here's an article about Passion that appeared in The Battalion, A&M's student newspaper: http://www.thebatt.com/features/finding-your-passion-1.2133433

Bluebonnets and friends and cameras...

The bluebonnets were out in full force two weeks ago and a couple of friends and I decided to go take pictures in them before they all died! We drove around for about 30 minutes before we finally found some on the side of a highway. :)

So yeah, these are some of the people that I spend the most time with here at college!

(L to R: Jonathan, Abigail, me, Meghan, Heather, Jake)

(ah, the regulatory gig 'em!)

Helping up...

taken 8-13-2009 at The Children's Park

"Two are better than one... if one falls down,
   his friend can help him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Valentine's *1 week late*...

{{{So yeah, last week was insane with 3 major tests, bi-weekly meetings 

(that happened to all fall on last week), and mediating between roommates 

on my floor... so this post is 7-days in coming.}}}

The last two years (2009, 2010) I've been at the Renewal conference with the Navigators over Valentine's weekend. This year the retreat was moved to February 25-27th, so I was in town for Valentine's... and I was not looking forward to it.

I'm taking country western dance lessons with a friend of mine on Sunday nights, and last week I was late to our first lesson because I'd been home for the weekend for a friend's funeral. My mind wasn't focused on learning the polka because I was prioritizing the massive amount of studying I had to do and calculating how late I was going to have to stay in "the annex"--the only building on main campus that is pretty much open 24/7 and is a popular hang out for stressed students pulling all-nighters.

My friend then warned me as we were headed back to my room, "Meghan's (my Bible study co-leader) got a little surprise planned for you. I promise it won't take more than about 10 minutes. But be sweet... she's just trying to show she cares about you, your friend's funeral, and the fact that you're stressed."  OK, fine. I'll humor her. 10 minutes. That's it. Then off to the annex to cram for Therapeutic Principles.

I walked into my room and a few minutes later I answered a knock on the door to find not just Meghan, but 3 of my other best girl friends--Sarah, Becca, and Abigail. They brought me Godiva dark chocolate and lots of hugs. :)

Then, my door opened again and our 3 guy friends walked in with roses, chocolate (they brought me ground coffee instead!), and cards for each of us! Sarah's fiancé had been in town for the weekend and he, along with another friend who was holed up in the architecture studio, had been in on the planning of the whole shindig. Meghan knew what the guys were planning and had orchestrated an excuse to have all of us girls in the same room.

The cards the guys had for each of us were perfectly picked. This was the cover of mine...

on the inside it reads "... sure hasn't been to Forks, Washington."

The most epic part about it is what plays when you open the card:

Edward-"I will love you, every moment of forever." 

Jacob-"I will fight for you, until your heart stops beating."

Let's just say that I almost died laughing... beside the fact that every single person who was in the room (girls included) makes fun of my liking Twilight, I loved it! :) I still can't believe that the the guys scoured the Valentine's card section to find the perfect cards for each of us 4 girls, took time to write something in each card, and arranged the whole thing. I've got amazing girl friends who came to cheer me up, and I've got incredible guy friends who went out of their way to make us all feel special.

Ok, it took longer than 10 minutes... but it sure made staying up until 3:15am a whole lot more bearable!

Rice=Time

So in Wednesday's RA training I went to a workshop on time management. The Hall Director leading the session gave each of us a handout and a cup of rice. Below each little box on the handout we had to write different activities that take up our time. Eat, sleep, class, study, and RA duties were easy ones... then came FB, watching movies, volunteering at Hope, chilling with my close group of friends, and late-night "me time."

We then had to allocate the rice in our cup into the boxes on the paper based on how much time we spend doing those activities in a single day. And I discovered some interesting things about where my time goes:

Friends...and God...

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. — Henri J.M. Nouwen (via kari-shma)

I came across this quote on another girl's blog called I Am Blessed, (P.S. I do not necessarily 100% endorse the blogs or sites I link to) and felt like passing it on.

I can't stand it when people try to solve your problems before they listen all the way through.

...and God says, "I can't wait to hear every little detail.

Talk as long as you need to. I'll still be here."

I can't stand it when friends jump in and make a to-do list for you based on their perception of what your prioroties are.

...and God says, "Spend time in My Word and I'll help you

get refocused on My priorities."

I can't stand it when guys cannot contain their "problem-solving, damsel-in-distress rescuing" mindset.

...and God says, "Let Me walk alongside you and carry

you through."

I can't stand it when people don't cut you any slack, but demand it for themselves.

...and God says, "Cut it out. Get real with Me. Let's deal

with the excuses you keep making."

I can't stand it when friends take what you say at face value and don't realize that you're not yourself.

...and God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you

and nothing you say, do, or think will make Me love

you any less."

I can't stand it when friends pretend nothing's wrong and hope you'll snap out of it.

...and God says, "I love you too much to let you go on like

this. I'm stepping in to pull you out because you can't

even move you're so stuck."

I can't stand it when friends assume you remember all the Bible verses you've always told them and don't remind you of the verses.

...and God says, "I can't wait to show you again all the

promises that I've written to you! Open up your Bible

and let Me show you."

I can't stand it when friends say, "call me if you need to" but you know they really hope you won't.

...and God says, "I woke you up in the middle of the night

so that we could talk. I really want to spend some time

with you!"

I can't stand it when friends immediately try to relate with you and tell you all of their stories.

...and God says, "Let me hear your heart. And then let

Me show you how My heart breaks over you."

I can't stand it when friends don't give you a hug because they're afraid of getting in your space.

...and God says, "I don't care how much you try to push

Me out, I'm still going to be here.

I can't stand it when friends just say, "it'll be OK."

...and God says, "I will work things out for good. But in

the meantime here's an extra measure of My peace."