Independent Career Woman AND/OR Sweet Romantic Girly-Girl: My thoughts on the endless controversy

When this post originally came out on ThoughtCatalog last month, I gave it a quick read, then laughed and moved on. In subsequent weeks I've had several discussions with co-workers in a similar vein and decided to finally publicly share my thoughts on the matter. This isn't the first time I've struggled with the either/or vs. both/and viewpoint.

Feel free to comment below and share your own thoughts. If you're a girl, do you agree with these 16 thoughts? If you're a guy, do you think us girls are off-base/too worried about it and would you date a girl that viewed herself this way?

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16 Struggles Of Being Both An Independent Woman And A Hopeless Romantic

By: Kim Quindlen

1. A lot of people think the two things are mutually exclusive. You either have to be a doe-eyed romantic stumbling around desperately looking for love, or you have to be a strong, aggressive, ambitious career woman who doesn’t need a man. A lot of people try to tell you, through their actions or their words, that you’re not allowed to be both.

I've never been particularly boy-crazy (ahem!), but even while talking to my closest girl friends I do find it difficult to quickly switch conversation topics from work & careers to talking about their upcoming weddings, husbands, what we're looking for in guys, and asking for advice. 

2. There aren’t a ton of women similar to you represented on the big screen. Sure, there are some. But not enough. Most of the women in the film are portrayed as one-dimensional love interests for men, or cold-hearted, career robots that learn to change and “soften up” when they fall in love. A lot of films make us feel like we can’t have both.

Um... The Devil wears Prada, No Reservations, Legally Blonde, The Wedding Planner, Erin Brockovich, You've Got Mail, and even to some extent Mary Poppins! I'm sure if I thought about it, I'd be mildly annoyed at Hollywood's portrayal of career-minded women... but I'm such a sucker for a good romantic comedy!

3. If you manage to have both a stable career and a healthy relationship, people often like to ask you how you do it, as though one of the two things must be suffering because there’s no way to possibly have both.

I'm still working on this one! The semester-from-hell in Spring 2012 where us PT students had 4 full-length semester PT specific classes to manage on top of joining the medical students for their 10-week block neuroscience class (where they only had neuroscience and an ethics class) taught me so much about how I handle stress and relationships. I'd like to think I've grown so much since then... we shall see.

4. You feel bad for enjoying a guilty pleasure novel or TV show or movie every once in a while. If it’s a story primarily about love and not a self-improvement book like Lean In, you feel like you are wasting your time and should be doing something more productive. Sometimes you just want to relax and enjoy silly love stories, but you often have to deal with the annoying guilt you make yourself feel afterwards.

In a recent post on my Facebook timeline about Nicholas Sparks' reported divorce, I wondered if I should even publicly admit to reading all (and owning most) of his books? (May I recommend The Rescue as my favorite) But then again, it's MY Facebook profile and hopefully you won't judge me! To be fair, my to-read list has everything from The World is Flat, to Love My Rifle More Than You, to Margin, to Ally Condie's new YA dystopian book Atlantia.

5. The bar scene can be exhausting. You want to meet a sweet, interesting, and intelligent person – and you want to be yourself – but sometimes you feel pressure to dumb the conversation down just so you’re not scaring them away. You know you shouldn’t hold yourself back, but sometimes you can’t help yourself.

THIS was the conversation I had with one of the Physical Therapy Assistants at work last week. Apparently, in order to not scare off an interested guy, I need to "not act so smart." That seems so backwards to me, and it's honestly hard to do after a full day of working with patients and using every bit of SWAGing (Scientific Wild-Ass Guessing) I possess!

6. You feel stuck in a Catch-22 situation. If you get dolled up and wear a pretty dress and enjoy feeling bright and vibrant, you’re told no one will take you seriously and that guys will just try and sleep with you. But if you try to tone down your appearance and focus more on the conversations you’re having, it feels like guys hardly give you a second look. You’re made to feel like you’re too conservative or too boring or too serious or too something that’s not the right thing.

This is the dilemma I face every Sunday morning staring into my closest trying to pick something to wear to church. And heaven forbid I wear a skirt and cute boots to work!

7. You want to be in love, but you don’t want to have to dumb yourself down to get there. You don’t want to have to worry about your girlfriend or boyfriend or fiancé or husband feeling inadequate if you have a lot of success in your life. You don’t want to feel guilty for that, and you absolutely shouldn't, but sometimes you do.

I often wonder if my doctorate-level education and potential for a very well-paying job is intimidating to other 20-something guys. (Please chime in, ya'll!) But then I remember that I want to give it all up and work in a place where I could be delivering babies because I have more women's health education than most, and in a place where I'll be relying on others for financial support. This current stage of my life does have an expiration date.

8. Some people make you feel like if you put love first, that you’re anti-feminist or you’re too dependent on your man or you don’t care about your career. And it works the other way too. If you put your career in front of your love life, you’re a cold-hearted ice queen who’s going to end up alone. It often feels like guys are respected and admired if they have both a great work life and love life, but if a woman has the same thing, people assume she must be half-assing one of the things because it’s impossible for her to have both.

This is going to be a fun one to navigate...

9. If you want a career and a big family, people give you looks as if you’re crazy. They smirk or smile at you sympathetically, as if to say, that’s cute, sweetheart. Eventually you’ll choose one or the other, though. According to a lot of people, you’re not allowed to have both. You can work for a little while, and after a few years, when things are financially stable, you really should settle down and focus solely on your family.

At some point, I do want to "give up my career" for family. That's been the plan all along, and the reason why I chose a career where I can work part time, weekends, or just on-call. I look forward to discussing this with my guy and seeing what ends up happening if/when I get to be a mother.

10. People make you feel weird or selfish or bossy or demanding for having high standards. Standards like expecting a guy to make an effort to get to know you. Standards like expecting your companion to treat you like your career and your success are just as important and impressive as his. Standards like wanting to have a stable and independent life outside of your relationship.

I am capable of making my own decisions. To the guys who think I'm dragon-guarded (see this post for context only--I'm not saying I agree/disagree with his opinion) and don't want to do my own dirty work, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me and allow me a chance to explain.  I do expect the guy to work for it--nothing valuable "just happens." I also want someone to value all the work I've put in to become who I am and get where I am now.

11. You don’t want to be referred to as the Head Bitch in Charge or the Ditzy Love-Obsessed Hopeful or the Needy Girlfriend. You’re tired of being stereotyped. It’s possible to be a successful, powerful woman who has standards in love. You’re capable of being strong and soft at the same time. And you’re tired of people trying to squeeze you into unflattering and unfair one-dimensional boxes.

At one time or another I've been each of those 3 stereotypes... yikes! But I pride myself in being able to switch quickly from being supportive and your biggest cheerleader to being sensitive and sweet to being competitive and occasionally argumentative. I've been told I have more sides than a perfectly-cut diamond!

12. You run the show, but you still want hearts and flowers. And you don’t think you should have to explain yourself. Just because you work hard and have a well-rounded life and are independent doesn’t mean you should have to apologize for wanting to experience romance with your companion. And yet if you give off the vibe of being a talented, successful woman, guys often make the mistake of thinking you want nothing to do with date nights and sweet surprises and cute text messages.

I do not want to have to tell a guy that I need romance. This girl gets a kick out of sweet stuff like that! (And about 30 minutes later you know I'm gonna call up or text my girl friends to go "gaga" over it!)

13. You sometimes feel like you have to keep these two different parts of yourself separate. At work and in your independent life you have to be one way, and in your romantic life you can be another way. But you feel the need to keep your love life quiet at work for fear of not being taken seriously, and you sometimes feel like there’s no room to talk about your work life in your relationship without boring or intimidating your partner.

Sometimes the best part of my day is clocking out and sliding into my car for the drive home with the windows down and a mixCD or Spotify playlist of "Hopeless Romantic" songs. But all too often I bring my work home and I need to vent about a particularly frustrating event or tell someone how excited I was about the tiniest improvement my post-stroke patient demonstrated today! If you spend any time with me, get used to learning all the physical therapy lingo--I talk about work a lot. But maybe that's more because I love what I do and not necessarily because I'm a workaholic.

14. You want your partner to treat you both as a strong, impressive, intelligent woman, but you also want them to be gentle and loving and complimentary and smitten with you. But a lot of the times, they only seem capable of treating you one way or the other.

I have a lot of people who only want to get to know me for free advice (if I have to answer another "how do I get rid of shin splints" question, I might just scream! Just go read this from MoveForwardPT.) I need a mix of "damn, you really know your stuff!" and sweet, sensitive compliments.

15. You’re afraid of looking weak or vulnerable. But at the same time, the point of having a relationship is having someone you can be weak and vulnerable with. You’ve spent your whole life relying on yourself and working hard to get where you are. You’ve always depended on yourself, and even though you know you want to share your life with someone else, the idea of giving someone else the chance to hurt you and affect you so deeply is extremely scary.

I've gotten to where I am now because of my incredible family and friends, my parents' undying love and support, a very patient and wonderful God, and a fabulous mix of professors, study partners, and mentors. You'll never hear me laud my own accomplishments without a lengthy "acknowledgements" section. But be gentle with me and allow me to let you in at my own pace. Trust me, it's gonna be worth it.

16. When either one of these sides of you is going through something tough, you turn to chocolate. And, for some reason, chocolate is still not fat free, nor is it zero calories. And that is probably the biggest struggle of all. 

*gasp* someone must have told this article's author about my chocolate drawer... um, make that chocolate drawers!

REBLOG: Home Again

Ali, a nurse I met on the Africa Mercy last summer, just arrived back on the ship after 14 months away. Her blog is one of raw honesty--the times patients don't make it, the dengue fever she wound up with while in South America for a few months this summer, her heart being torn between ship life and "home" life... I love following along with her life, although I doubt she even remembers me from our brief time aboard together.

I wonder if this is how I'll feel when I arrive back in Africa after being "home" on furlough. I hope so...

Home Again

REBLOG: hello, life.

Sarah, an old friend I've reblogged from before, posted this today. Food for thought. How do you tell the difference between a growth spurt and a time of discouragement and struggle?

hello, life

Today I woke up to a friend's text message canceling early morning coffee, and thanked God for an extra hour to sleep. Today I gulped a cup of black coffee and then sipped a cup of black tea, and chose to linger long over the Bread of Life, the Word of God, savoring every ounce of life it would give me... read more

REBLOG: Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

She's got some good stuff to say...

Sex, Faith & Men: What I Never Knew About Dating.

by laurennicolelove.com

"Why don't you date him? He's a good guy."

"Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk."

"Go on a few dates. Just because he isn't a Christian doesn't mean he will be a bad boyfriend."

"God can change people. Maybe he's the one. You can make it work.”

"We're just hanging out, it's not serious. It won't go anywhere."

"You're not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes."

I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a "non-believer," much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I've dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I'm sleeping with one that I'm not even dating.

No girl wakes up and says to herself, "I'm gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I'd never marry today" or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn't. And you probably didn't, but both of those things happen to us.

“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren't supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You've been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It's just going out for a drink - that isn't committing to a relationship. Cuddling as 'friends' isn't wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years - be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.” 

I don't know how it happened to you, but that's a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.

Why did it happen? Because we're human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we're built for relationships, but we're born broken.

And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We're told the No's without the Yes's. We're given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.

As Christian girls, we're told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses (which it will), we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?

We say, "What the hell." And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.

This is what I didn't know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.

This is what I didn't know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.

This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn't have or couldn't find.

This is why you can't date a man who doesn't love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.

- Because Love isn't enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can't fully respect a man who doesn't have God as his number one priority. If you don't respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don't respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.

- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst - we just set it for now.Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn't love God with his whole heart, I can't be assured that what I'm comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can't have faith in a man who doesn't have faith. I can't strengthen the faith of a man who doesn't have any to begin with. 

- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn't love Jesus doesn't know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You're lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part - that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is "the God part." No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you - he sees a different woman. 

- You need an anchor. One day you're going to fall apart. And you're going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn't know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not.Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.” 

- When you've made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You're choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can't make it through the battle if he's seeing differently than you are. And you can't live with someone you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.

- He can't love you to the best of his ability if he doesn't love Jesus. I'm talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world's definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it.God created marriage as an image of Jesus' relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.

- You can't marry them, so why date them? Let's say you've already decided you won't marry a non-Christian - but what's wrong with "just" dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn't, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)
It hurts. It's hard. You love him.

I'm not telling you to leave him because you're sinning, I'm telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever. 

Watch this video...

OK, so I have no idea who this guy is, but I found this video shared on my friend's Facebook profile.

This guy has a lot of incredible things to say. Just give it a listen. Please.

I wish I had the courage to say what he does. He wrote this for an open mic night at Pacific University, then obviously recorded it on a busy street in the not-so-good part of town with everyday people walking by... and yet I can't say anything to my close friends, classmates, and lab partners...



(discretion advised, he talks pretty openly)

What makes your heart go "pitter patter"...

lub dub

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lub dub lub dub

lub dub lub dub

lub dub lub dub

lub dub lub dub

lub dub lub dub lub dub lub dub

lubdub lubdib lubdub lubdub lubdub lubdub lubdub

Ok, so I kind of like heartbeats. Like a lot. I always loved the EKG labs we did in freshman bio and in A&P II, especially when we got to tickle the experiment subject, make a loud noise and scare him, or have him breathe super quickly. It would have sounded something like this:

Your heartbeat is an interesting indicator of what gets you--what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what makes you angry...

what makes your heart go pitter-patter.

If Jesus were to lay His head on your chest, what would He hear? Would He be pleased? 

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Psalm 31

I just needed to re-read this tonight... I think my Bible just flips open to this Psalm, I've read it so much...

Psalm 31-A David Psalm (The Message)

 ^1-2I run to You, God; I run for dear life. Don't let me down! 
      Take me seriously this time! 
   Get down on my level and listen, 
      and please—no procrastination! 
   Your granite cave a hiding place, 
      Your high cliff aerie a place of safety. 

 ^3-5 You're my cave to hide in, 
      my cliff to climb. 
   Be my safe leader, 
      be my true mountain guide. 
   Free me from hidden traps; 
      I want to hide in You. 
   I've put my life in Your hands. 
      You won't drop me, 
      You'll never let me down. 

 ^6-13 I hate all this silly religion, 
      but You, God, I trust. 
   I'm leaping and singing in the circle of Your love; 
      You saw my pain, 
      You disarmed my tormentors, 
   You didn't leave me in their clutches 
      but gave me room to breathe. 
   Be kind to me, God— 
      I'm in deep, deep trouble again. 
   I've cried my eyes out; 
      I feel hollow inside. 
   My life leaks away, groan by groan; 
      my years fade out in sighs. 
   My troubles have worn me out, 
      turned my bones to powder. 
   To my enemies I'm a monster; 
      I'm ridiculed by the neighbors. 
   My friends are horrified; 
      they cross the street to avoid me. 
   They want to blot me from memory, 
      forget me like a corpse in a grave, 
      discard me like a broken dish in the trash. 
   The street-talk gossip has me 
      "criminally insane"! 
   Behind locked doors they plot 
      how to ruin me for good. 

 ^14-18 Desperate, I throw myself on You: 
      You are my God! 
   Hour by hour I place my days in Your hand, 
      safe from the hands out to get me. 
   Warm me, Your servant, with a smile; 
      save me because You love me. 
   Don't embarrass me by not showing up;
      I've given You plenty of notice. 
   Embarrass the wicked, stand them up, 
      leave them stupidly shaking their heads 
      as they drift down to hell. 
   Gag those loudmouthed liars 
      who heckle me, Your follower, 
      with jeers and catcalls. 

 ^19-22 What a stack of blessing You have piled up 
      for those who worship You, 
   Ready and waiting for all who run to You 
      to escape an unkind world. 
   You hide them safely away 
      from the opposition. 
   As You slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, 
      You silence the poisonous gossip. 
   Blessed God! 
      His love is the wonder of the world. 
   Trapped by a siege, I panicked. 
      "Out of sight, out of mind," I said. 
   But You heard me say it, 
      You heard and listened. 

 ²³ Love God, all You saints; 
      God takes care of all who stay close to Him, 
   But he pays back in full 
      those arrogant enough to go it alone. 

 ²⁴ Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. 
      Expect God to get here soon.

"A Deeper Story"

I came across a new blog thanks to a friend reposting this on her own blog:


“You hold no more value because you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off.  Your days are numbered, fill them with eternal things rather than a chasing of the wind.  Everyone is tired…get off Twitter and GO TO BED.  Being a “perfectionist” makes you flawed, not perfect.  Being overly busy can deter people from investing in you, and will most certainly lessen your ability to invest in others.  You feel more important when you are busy, when you are harried and undone, when you are exhausted at day’s end.  Unplug.  Put the phone on “silent”.  Live life slowly.  Sleep in.  See if the world keeps spinning.  It will.  Without your help.  Without your accomplishment.  Without your control.  Without your to-do list.  Without your bossy-pants self.  Without your hurry.  Oh…and lay off the caffeine.” (from http://deeperstory.com/im-exhausted-are-you-great/)

"A Deeper Story" is a forum where Christian women with "creative minds–writers and artists–[can] engage their craft in a way that collides forcefully with both faith and culture." They post about the tough issues of life, wrestle with world issues, and seek to glorify Christ through it all. I'm intrigued by their passion. 


And as always, take my recommendations with a grain of salt.

Mugs and more...

Can I say that I am "in love" with these mugs...

Or this one that I got as a birthday gift from my friend Heidi...

This is for you...

This is for you, ____. You know who you are.

from lovequotesrus

from serenity

Ready... or lonely?

(from satelliteofyou.tumblr.com)

I think I've said something similar to this to at least three different girls in the last two days.

What is it with being lonely and automatically assuming that falling in love will solve that loneliness? Yes, being lonely sucks.

But why, oh why do we girls force ourselves to find a guy, force ourselves to wonder if he could be the guy, and force ourselves to be overly excited about something so simple as saying hi to a nice guy in class? Why do we do this to ourselves instead of waiting for our heart to be ready. Instead of waiting for life to be ready. Instead of waiting for him to be ready. Instead of waiting for God's path to be ready. Why do we force it?

Here are some of my loneliness busters... I'm the type of person to--instead of focusing on me--find ways to work with others. Which is all well and good until I realize that I have just been making busyness a loneliness buster in and of itself... and who needs to be even more busy?

I love my espresso maker--foamed milk is the best.
I love falling asleep in the sun--catching the last rays of warm summer.
I love journaling--being forced to come up with words and attempting to lay events out in a sensible manner helps things make sense.
I love working out--hearing your headbeat in your head makes it hard to focus on anything else.
I love girlie movies--anything from Twilight to Pride & Prejudice.
I love blood-n-guts war movies--it's hard not to laugh at the gratuitous amount of fake blood and incorrectly treated injuries.
I love my laptop--some would argue I love it too much.
I love quietness--gives my mind a chance to actually stop and sit still.
I love my Bible--underlined and highlighted in so strange a manner that no one else could decipher the system, but it's worth the world to me.

What does your heart do when it's lonely?

Wait

Wait - by Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

refocusing....

I really never thought this would happen so quickly! I wasn't planning on being here for a few more years at least! And it's something where I will be years behind them... and it's frankly no fun sitting back and watching...


See... I have now officially entered the stage where my friends are all getting married. Let's just say 4 of my single friends bit the dust this weekend (what is it with May weddings?). Granted, I wasn't best friends with any of them, but they were all girls I'd known or had served with for the last couple years.


It seems like I'm always getting the comment, "I bet you're gonna miss your boyfriend while you're in Africa!" And I get to tell them, "well, actually I'm not dating anyone." Not now, never have. And I'm fine saying that, I really am. But I hate the reaction that I get. It's kind of this pity that sneaks into their voice as they reply with, "Well, keep holding out for a good guy, you'll find someone. Don't worry." Or even worse, "Singleness is a gift, and I'm glad you're embracing it" like they think they know all about me...


True. Singleness is a gift. Just like marriage is. Neither is better than the other. The apostle Paul seemed to put singleness above marriage, actually. But 1 Cor 7 is really about being able to serve God in either stage. Sometimes there are places and roles that we can fill better as a single person.


Amy Carmichael and Gladys Alward could not have run their orphanages if they were married. Would Amy have been able to provide a safe home for the temple girls if she was married and the girls were scared of men?


(And since this post is not a treatise on single missionaries, I'm gonna move on... I'm sure we could all list a ton of amazing missionaries who could serve God better because they were single.)


On another hand, would the US military be able to send men and women into combat zones if they were married? There are some missions, my brother tells me, where the servicemen are not allowed to be married. In a situation like "Blackhawk Down" would those men have been able to go back into the firefights if they were more concerned about their wives and children back home than their buddy losing blood from shrapnel in his femoral artery?


See it's all about focus.


"What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short... For this world in its present form is passing away. I would like you to be free from concern... An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." - from 1 Corinthians 7:29-35


What am I focused on? Am I sitting here wishing I was walking down the aisle? (check) Am I sighing with discontent as I see pictures of my friends' pregnant bellies? (check)  Am I wishing away my singleness which includes an insane--and perhaps unsafe--amount of freedom to do anything, to go anywhere, and be anything I want to be? (hmmm...)


Right now I can serve God better single better than if I was married... so here I am.


This summer should be an incredible time of being 6,000 miles away from cell phone service, instant communication via text, and a whole bunch of distractions. I want to be whole-heartedly in Togo. Serving the doctors and nurses who are serving the people of Togo. Hearing from God what He would have me do after graduate school. 


And undergoing some desperately-needed refocusing.


(you can follow my summer at katiefarr-africa.blogspot.com)